Archive for July, 2011
I have been playing by the rules for over 4 years now or as close to it as I can. Keeping myself out of trouble, keeping my connection with my Higher Power, calling my Sponsor, a tight support group, changing my behaviors. Everything, or as close to it, as I can and it has kept me Clean & Sober.
I’m not really complaining, well maybe a little, but every once in a while, I want to be wild again. I want to be a little reckless and irresponsible. Forget about everything and everyone and satisfy my need for danger without being concerned for anyone. Like I was born to be wild!!!
Then I look at everything that I have accomplished in the last 4 years and I run back into the hole that I feel I’m in. I sometimes wonder is it love of Recovery or the fear of relapse that keep me in that hole. Either way I feel that I’m missing out on something, despite everything that I have accomplished.
I see my friends living out their lives being open about their sexuality, going to parties, enjoying people. I set limits and standards, I avoid to much socializing, and few people at a time. I don’t think folks would know that about me. From the outside looking in I seem right there with everyone else.
I often wonder, okay I wonder a lot, am I the only one, I’m sure not, that steps out of themselves and looks back in to analyze and review their lives. I see me sitting there on the weekend typing away, writing in my blogs (like now) or watching another show on my DVR or eating.
And I ask Sober Daniel , cause I often have conversations with myself, I ask, “What are you doing?”. And Responsible Daniel answers, “Staying home, being a good boy, waiting for a good person to date.” and Sober Daniel responds to that. “You will never find true love behind a computer you need to get out there… Now get out there!!!”
So we hug, cause in my mind Sober Daniel and Responsible Daniel are very real, we hug and we cry a little, we encourage and support each other, we laugh and we make future plans, we visualize and thank God and the Universe for all the gifts and then we all go back to eating, writing, and watching TV.
Really what changes? What has changed? Don’t be alarmed I’m not letting any of the Daniels relapse, fall off, or get down. We just ask that question a lot in our support group. When all the Daniels come together we ask, “What has changed?”
Okay so this is really not an excuse but more of a fact. I was raised in the 70′s and television was a great babysitter. My parents would take a nap and I would sit and do my homework. To this date my favorite shows are Sid & Kroft shows and The Muppets, I could watch for hours.
I can still do that, sit and watch TV for hours and I still like those shows and competition shows. “Project Runway”, “Top Chef”, “Master Chef” and anything that brings people to compete and live in the same house. GENIUS, there is so much energy and fighting and arguing!!!
There is always one, usually the most aggressive, that will say, “I’m not here to make friends”. Really, you don’t think that at some point you will cross paths with these folks again. You really think that through your whole career you will never need them… Really?
Of course later on in the show they always have an ‘AHA’ moment and they are best buddies with one of them. There are tears and hugs and ‘I’ll call you’. Then we see them at the reunion show and they are back to their cocky, phony, annoying personality.
Well, it got me to think what if I had that attitude about life. ‘I’M NOT HERE TO MAKE FRIENDS” What if I attempted to go through life not counting on anyone or needing anyone or wanting anyone around? Well, probably I would not write because there would no one to read it… Right?
I have said many times, “It takes a village to put me together” and I mean it. I have amazing friends that keep me in check. Even when they don’t realize that they are doing it, they really ground me. I would start a list of names but I’m sure I would miss someone.
Thank you to all my friends because when it comes to the reality show that is my life… I am here to make friends.
It’s no secret that I have resorted to on-line dating. I don’t drink, I don’t like bars, I don’t go out much. Really, is there really any surprise that I posted my photo on at least a half dozen websites. Okay, now there are only 2 and the picking has gotten slimmer but I’m still trying.
There have been some really good dates; movies, dinners, Disney, lunches, walks on the beach, carnivals. All the things that I really enjoy. Some very nice first date kisses and some awesome conversations. But they haven’t all been great there were those frogs that were just toads!
Okay so some just were messages back and forth. Some were E-mails for a couple of days. Some were great late night conversations. Even a Skype session, that ended when my gentleman caller wanted to get a little freaky on the screen. Thank you “Hang Up” button!
Some never came back after the first date or even called back. Some I really didn’t want to hear from. Some I was upset that they didn’t come back for seconds. Some dates peaked too soon. Some never ever got to simmer. So you get the idea that there have been several “First Date”… You are correct!
The fault could be mine I tend to be very forward about what I want. I could talk a lot about what I’m really passionate about. Or my favorite subject, according to my friends… ME. Hey, when you have been through as much as I have there is a lot to share.
Maybe its the numerous loops that they have to jump through. Well, not just loops. Loops with fire, and glass on the floor, with a tiger in one end and snakes on the other. Then when they cross that they have to swim in a pool with sharks and alligators.
Get to the end and answer a 20 question survey, followed by an oral quiz. Just when you think you are done. You have to listen to one of my long stories and pay attention cause there will be a test afterwards. Sounds a little much? It is… I know… I claim it!
But don’t we all deserve the best partner possible? I just want what I deserve and that’s the scariest part of it all. What if I deserve is not the best but somewhere in the middle. Like a partner out of the clearance bin at Wal-Mart? What if I have been so horrible in my life that mediocre is the best I get?
So dating is not just for fun its a game of survival!!!
Just for fun I multiplied my age 40 times 365 days in a year and came up with 14,600 so that’s how many days I’ve been alive, give or take a couple of months. Okay so if I round it out to 41 that is 14,965 days I will be alive on my next birthday. That’s not all I was thinking.
I wondered if I met one person a day that would be 14,965 people. Then I was looking at my Facebook page and saw that I have 1,944 friends add that up and its 16,909 people . So safe to say that among all those friends there is someone that fills in a void that the other can’t.
Okay, I’ll agree I don’t know them all personally but I probably have at least one degree of separation. I’m sure one of my friends is really close to Bob Eubanks and one day we’ll meet for coffee and a cookie and talk about the weather and where we are going on vacation next year… We can!
Really what this post is about how folks come into your life for what you think is one reason and the surprise is that that they bring a whole wheel barrel of gifts with them. I met a lady at the grocery store line who has connections that came lift my career to a new level.
I met a guy on-line thinking he was just another pretty face and actually has offered to help me in any way possible. I just wanted a coffee date and he offered more than dessert. Just never know till you tell folks what your are up to. It’s no secret that I want my short film to succeed.
So I’ll put it here in case anyone is interested. I have a short film that I’m raising funds for. For lights, food, equipment. Anything that will make this film better than it could be. I wrote it and am acting in it, so if you know my work this will be a reflection of me.
If you like my writing this short film will follow my style and if you know my life story this will have some of it in it. I cried the last time I read it and I wrote it… So there you go. Today is one of those “You just don’t know” days…
I finally made it to Vegas and the best thing I can say so far is, I like the room. This wasn’t the way I thought my first trip would be, I’m not sure what I thought. I guess maybe with a group of friends where I would get lost and meet some millionaire, fall in love and move to New York.
Maybe with someone special, but then again I am with someone special. My friend Gini is one of the best folks to hang out with. She gets me and we have some great conversations. She is someone that always seems excited to see me and me her. We even like some of the same music and that is really good on a road trip.
I also connected with a cousin I had not seen in a long time, thank you Facebook. She seemed very excited to find me. Gave me her new number and wants me to visit next time I’m back in Houston. That was a surprise since we weren’t ever that close. But I’m always willing to take things at face value.
I wonder why, sometimes, folks seem excited to see me. Don’t they know what a looser I am. How out of touch I can be and how most of the time I don’t know what I’m doing. I am so out of touch with the world that I still feel lost and alone. I wonder if folks really know that? Do you?
It almost makes me want to cry sometimes, like now. If you only knew how lost and I feel…
I have to admit that there are times when it just hits me. See, I take a walk along the boardwalk, here in Laguna Beach, then it goes up some stairs to a view point, down a path, pass a restaurant and on down the way. It leads to my favorite spot where the waves come all the way to the end of the cliff.
No, it’s not the walk that gets to me, it’s the walking past the restaurant. Yes, I’m sure I can avoid it, but that would be too easy. I don’t always do things easy. You see the wall is glass and you can see the folks in the dinning room and the patio enjoying some really nice looking Margaritas.
That is the part that gets to me sometimes, the fact that I can’t have one or rather I shouldn’t have one. I wouldn’t know how to just have one, its not in my DNA. But I do think about the days when I would sit by a beach with a Daiquiri or a cold Corona with a lime…
Let me stop before I really think I’m drinking… It was just a passing thought… Cheers…
So I have been envisioning writing my first good script and seeing it on the big screen. So I got to writing and did it… Finally got it right or as close to it as I thought. My director friend likes it and here we go!!!
Now I am scared and feeling the pressure… This is bigger than anything I think I’ve ever done in my career… Yep, this is bigger…
I know God-Universe will be there next to me all the way and as long as I think Positive I will be okay…
But thinking Positive is hard when there are so many things to think about. ‘
This is short mainly just to vent my frustration…. Okay it’s out… I’m okay!!!
Yep, that the thing to remember, I’m okay!!!
There comes a point when your dreams start to come to life. When all that you have worked for, be it a couple of months or a couple of years. A small dream or something to take over the world. Expensive or free a dream is a dream and when it starts to materialize you think you are still dreaming.
Sounds complicated and a little scary but that is where I am now. I feel like I can touch the sky but at the same time like I’m going to fall hard. I want to cry and laugh all at the same time, run and jump or sit and hide… Does that even make sense? Dreams are supposed to be just that… Dreams.
When you have lived most of your life with X’s marking all the bad things that could happen in a person’s life seeing the √ on the good side of the check list seem like a mistake… But it’s not a mistake you deserve and have earned all the good things that are coming your way.
I have earned all the good things that come my way… I am living my dream!!!
I was talking to my sister of all places on Facebook. What is it about chatting on-line, about being anonymous that allows you to ask and answer anything? We had one of the most intimate, honest conversations that we’ve ever had.
I just turned 40 and for the first time I feel like she was talking to me like an adult. Like I was part of the family, not that I ever felt not part but I finally understood my place in the dynamic of our little world. Because isn’t each family a little world?
Just like our planet Earth it revolves around the Sun so does a family revolve around other families. Those families made up of other folks and we all have to work together, we gravitate towards each other, we co-exist.
Our stories intertwine and we lose track of where one ends and the other starts. And suddenly our little world is invaded by others. Sometimes not welcome. We come to a fork in the road, a moment to decide how we are going to react to the new information.
Sometimes the information comes to you and it makes thing fall into place. Kinda like when you buy a puzzle with a picture of a pony and puppies on the box and you start to put it together and it doesn’t look right. Then you realize that there are kittens and rainbows in the puzzle and now it all makes sense.
The puzzle is all of it; puppies, ponies, kittens, and rainbows!!!