Archive for June, 2011
The way I see it if you are over the age of 30 and don’t have emotional baggage you haven’t lived. By that time I had a great job, good friends, a long history of relationships, alcohol, drugs. I had my own place and things that I was involved in. I had a life, not a great one, but I had a life.
So now at 40 I can look back and realize all the things that should have made me a bitter man, yet they didn’t. I think I was high enough or not clear headed enough to know that there was anything wrong. I’m so glad I was that stupid. I could have turned into a really nasty man.
One of the things that happened along the way was my heart turned hard. Even in my last relationship I wasn’t completely open. I kept things in check and never really expressed myself, I wanted him not only to love me but like me. See in past relationships I didn’t feel liked.
So now that after 2 years of being single I am finding myself looking for love again I also want to be liked. The struggle starts when I start to do or say things that will make the other person like me. Even if that means that I feel gross about myself.
I’m gonna enjoy it for a bit longer… The being too cute and sweet. The being so agreeable and pleasant. The being thoughtful and courteous. Until the first time I pass gas by accident or leave a dirty dish in their sink and then we’ll see if I’m still liked.
I’m sure I will but my inner voice tells me I will push away. Ignored and in the end left aside and hurt. That alone should deter me from falling in-love again… I’m very stubborn and I want to get on that ride again. “The Love Ride” that turns your stomach and gives you a head ache… Yeah!!!
I’ll take a season pass to “The Love Ride”…
When you sober up you never really know if, other than you, its going to help anyone else. Where or how is it appropriate to share your story other than in a group setting. Who really cares what you did in your life, other than the fellows in an AA group… Do you?
Then you meet someone who is dealing with a person that is living in their addiction and you start to recognize the person in the conversation. Sounds very familiar, the words, the actions, the reactions. It’s you, well another you, and you think or assume you know exactly how to subdue this person, this you.
Then your stories take on a whole new meaning, your stories make sense, they matter. Because now all those experiences that you went through in your addiction can help someone who is dealing with someone who is living in addiction. You are like a spy.
You are the 007 for drug and alcohol abuse. You can offer an insight that few people have. You feel for the addict and you feel for the other person. Then all those stories, all those lonely nights all those tears and heart breaks. All those shots and hits they are finally worth it!
You are helping, your drug filled, liquor fueled life has some worth. I know it was worth it before, but other addicts will get this… FOR THIS MOMENT IT WAS WORTH IT…. Right? The moment when being an addict makes all the difference in the world and you can actually help someone!!!
God grant me the Serenity…
It has been hard being single for so long. There have been guys that have come along that would have made good companions. Some could have been great just not for me. I require lots of attention, I’ve come to understand that. I’m a big boy I can say that without shame.
Even on my days off there is always something going on in my life or maybe I can make the simplest things seem big and exciting. I wouldn’t change that about me or would be with someone that would want me to change that about me. I want someone that can put up with my stories.
So that’s what I miss about being in a relationship, dinner and be conversation. Sitting and talking over dinner. Getting feedback over the day and what decisions will have to be made for the next day. Someone that regardless of how the day will still want to share.
Todays white rice & stir fry was pretty good but became quite bland when there was no one to share it with. I know I shouldn’t need a partner, I should be okay, but sometimes you just need it… right? Conversation is very important when I choose a partner!
I just need someone to talk to…
Went to the movies with my good friend Eric. We watched “Bridesmaids”. Very funny story and great comedic acting. Really enjoyed it and to top it at the end the group Wilson Phillips came out and sang. It was a wedding scene and they sang “Hold On”. Big 80’s hit!
Why do lock yourself up in these chains?
No one can change your life except for you
It was so easy to do that when I was in my addiction. Lock myself up and expect someone to come and save me. Always looking for a prince charming. Not even realizing that the only one that had the key to escape was me. Luckily there is always God to give a hand.
Don’t you know things can change
Things’ll go your way
If you hold on for one more day
I’m glad I held on and never lost hope and things got better. Just like the videos that are making the rounds but for adults and with a drinking or drug problem. Hold on it gets better. Things are going my way and sometimes it’s scary. Sometimes I think its scarier to come out of the fog than to be in it.
You’ve got no one to blame for your unhappiness
You got yourself into your own mess
Lettin’ your worries pass you by
Don’t you think it’s worth your time
To change your mind?
I finally changed my mind and started fighting for my life. I had to want it more than those around me. Not easy to do when you have felt like a loser all your life. Not easy to see a winner in the mirror when you don’t know what it looks like. Or at least that’s the idea I had.
There was always a winner I just hadn’t acknowledged him. I had to hold on and let the pain carry me to the end, to cross the finish line, to get to the end of the tunnel. Because someday somebody is gonna make me wanna turn around and hold them tight and know that I am loved.
If I hold on, hold on for one more day!!!
HIV/AIDS has been among us, as a known killer, for 30 years. That means I was 10 when it first showed its ugly face. That’s a quarter of my life. That means that anyone born after 1981 was born into a world that had HIV/AIDS as part of its vocabulary. Being Positive is not that uncommon.
So you would think that this generation would have a handle on it. That anyone under 30 would know how to protect themselves. Would have found a cure. Would know how important it is to use a condom. Would know better. That’s all just know better.
But I understand that is probably a lot of responsibility and pressure to put on a whole generation. Why should they be deprived of all the freedom that we had prior to HIV/AIDS? Why should we make them pay for something that started way before they were born?
Because it can still kill you, that’s why! Let those on that are on that journey do the fighting for you. Let those that are in the trenches suffer for you. Let those that have lost the battle be a reminder to you that no one is immune. Let those that are positive keep you negative.
Time for the younger generation to take the baton and fight the war against HIV/AIDS.
I did a reading last night with my Oracle cards. It was long distance and I don’t even know the guy. But it worked out. It took me a while to get my signals right but I was quite on target. Once I talked to my friend who is friends with the guy that I did the reading for he confirmed some of what I saw.
It was pretty wild to get the messages and then I typed them out and it was wild. For a while after I was seeing energies around me and sparks of light. I kinda thought I was going crazy and maybe I am… Maybe even more…
I’ve felt the way things are going to turn out. I don’t know how I feel the things I do just do. Especially with folks if I concentrate on it I can tap into some emotions and I can carry them with me for a bit.
I’m home now after a great dinner with Eric, he is such a great friend.
I had a milkshake, not a good idea at this hour of the night.
That’s all for tonight… Blessings!!!
It’s a new moon tonight and I’ve got all my things ready for a Spiritual cleaning. Although I clear my home with Sage often tonight I get to walk every corner and pray through my home. My Guardian Angels and Spirit Guides walk with me and together we eliminate bad energy.
I got a new mirror for my dinning room today. My neighbor took my an old painting that was hanging there one that I never liked and gave me the mirror. More like a loaner, you see it has belonged to several folks that have lived in my complex. I’m not sure but I think they all passed away and it was passed along.
So if I die blame it on the mirror.
I’m thinking what a day it picked to come into my house. Have you ever wondered if we pick objects or objects pick us? How does a certain item come into our home and everyone that sees it says, “That is so you”. Maybe as we walk along the store the items are looking at us an choosing who to go home with… Huh?
How about an object that has had different owners and has collected all kinds of energy. Is it looking around wondering “Where should I go next?” Then it lands in your home and starts to connect with all the other energy in your home and well… Things can go either way.
I’m excited to see what energy is attached to this mirror. I feel inclined to name it. It’s a male mirror. Very strong and powerful. Like a shadow box with little shelves to hold things. Like a mind holding memories. Harold the Mirror. Sounds like a good solid name.
Well make sure that you do your house cleaning tonight. Get into every corner and every opening in the bathroom and kitchen. Ask for fortune, abundance, love, health, peace, and some nookie if you need it. Ask it to take away pain, anger, resentment, fear, and a dead relationship if you are in one.
Let the New Moon fill your home and your heart and thank you all the objects in your home for choosing you to live with. I’m gonna go clean Harold.