Archive for March, 2011
I wish I knew how to communicate with you now. It seems like a lifetime since I was able to talk to you, yet I still remember the last time we were able to actually talk. I think back now and the signs that you knew you were forgetting things were there. You knew before we all did… Did you?
I wonder if I explained to you what’s going on in my life now if you’d understand. Would you know what my life is like now. Seems like most conversations had “I’m getting along” in there somewhere. Where now I am moving forward everyday. Taking one step at a time, more confident with each one.
I would love you to see how I finally found my voice and people listen. I don’t think that its because I know more than them or I’ve been through more than anyone. I think its because I’ve made peace with my journey, the parts of my life that made me sad and cry are just part of my journey.
I wish you could read what I write. I wish you could brag to your friends about me. I wish you could tell me how proud you are of me. I know you were always proud of all your kids, I want to know that you are proud of what I’m doing now. I’d like to hear it… What I’d give just to hear it.
I’m sure at some point you would think I’m crazy for some of the things I get involved in but the great thing is that I’m sober when I’m doing it, so I guess I’m just crazy… I have to laugh at that because I did some crazy things when I was drinking and those seemed to be normal to everyone.
But your little boy is finally growing up, it took me long enough but I’m finally getting my life in order and God is paving the road for me and I have no more need nor want to adventure through the unpaved path. It took me far away from you at one point and I’m sorry I missed out on so much.
I don’t always understand what purpose there is in keeping me away from you. What is God thinking on this one? But we were away from each other so much as I was growing-up that a part of me got used to it. Honestly, there is not enough independence to make a boy or a man not need him mommy.
So I’ll leave this time letting you know that I love you and I’m sure you’d be very proud of me.
How are you? I don’t write much mainly because every time I start to I start to cry. Some how saying I miss you seems so small. The words seem insignificant. I need you is more appropriate. I feel like I missed out on so much time with you. I feel cheated.
About the time that I started making better memories for myself, you started to forget yours. Almost makes me want to laugh and get mad all at the same time. For a moment I forget that God has a plan and that we are part of it. That he is not doing anything to punish us, but it feels that way.
I wish you could see how happy I am in my own skin now. How my work makes me so happy and how proud those around me are. How all my new friends have never seen me have a drink, do drugs, or even smoke. If they only knew how you and I would sit and have coffee and a cigarette together.
I hold and cherish the moments that we had together. The conversations that were just between you and I. The secrets that you are taking with you. The fears that I had when I was sick, the ones you had when you were. How we would hold and comfort each other.
I often wonder what you are thinking. If you think of me. I do. I think about you all the time and there are times when I want to pick up the phone and hear your raspy voice telling me that everything is going to be okay. Asking the same questions, “Are you eating?”, “Are you taking care of yourself?”
Yes and yes, just in case you are wondering now. What are you wondering?
I love you and miss you, there we go, can’t stop saying it. I miss you. So I’ll ask God to take care of you.