Archive for February, 2011
One of the things that I missed out growing up was dating tips. Because my parents probably didn’t understand me, because I lived with my sister, because, because… Does it really matter the ‘because’? Fact is that I was watching TV and that popped in my head.
One of the hardest things about growing up with parents who are older is the generational gap is too wide to be able to communicate properly. Then when my mother started having her memory loss, it made it just impossible. And my Dad, well… Well.
So do I feel like I missed out… Yeah. Do I feel sad about it… Yeah.
I would love to pick-up the phone and have a conversation with my parents about all that is going on in my life. My career, my love life, or lack of. My Spiritual growth. Share my writing with them and feel like they are proud of, rather hear it.
Come on, as kids we want to hear the words. But the hardest thing is knowing that physically mo mother is there but mentally she is not. That my dad is physically there but mentally he is not. She has the Alzheimer’s to deal with. He deals with her.
So sometimes being the baby in the family sucks.
I feel so embarrassed that I had not written anything here for so long. I miss writing my thoughts and rants, just other things got in the way and I wasn’t really up to it. I keep waking up after a long dream and thought it would make a great blog entry, but then I would get busy and forget.
I will try not to take so long in coming back, it’s my therapy and I let it go to waste. This morning I woke from a very sad dream, odd and depressing for me. I had a dream about my Mom. I don’t write about her much, mainly because it hurts to do so. I love my Mom.
I don’t get to see her often or talk to her, and that breaks my heart. A lot of what I do is with her in mind. Her voice still echoes in my head when I make a decision to do something. Not the same voice that ran around when I was using or drinking.
I always wonder what a person who has Alzheimer’s thinks, if anything. What does it feel to not know what’s really going on? Are they are aware that they don’t always make sense, are they aware that they may be a couple of conversations behind?
You see I knew it was coming several years ago, after having some really great conversations and then finding myself having them again. Only to realize that she truly didn’t remember. The hard part was having to leave and head back to my home. I should have done more.
So about this dream, we were in what looked like my sister’s house in Mexico. It has a big gate that covers the drive way. Closed-up from floor to ceiling, really no way in or out. My Mom was sweeping the side walk and street and I could see her walking around.
One of my Mom’s past times is cleaning and I knew she was okay. Suddenly I see her running around for some reason she had taken off her pants and was running towards the street, crying and wet. I ran after her and tried to calm her down, but she was so sad.
I could see in my dream that she had this need to escape and run and be free and I wasn’t letting her go. I didn’t know what to do and in my dream I was crying and getting frustrated not understanding what she wanted or needed. Not knowing if I could do anything for her.
I woke-up scared and agitated and decided it was time to write again. Then I sat up and started thinking of the significance of the dream, if any. Does she really feel that way? Does she feel like she is being punished and locked up in her mind?
Research, doctors, specialist, they can say what they want about it, but they don’t have it. Like a man trying to tell you what it feels like to be pregnant. You may know the details but will never have the experience. Only my Mother can tell me what it’s like to be her.
I love you Mom, very much. My sacrifice is in an effort to provide better for you. God only knows if I will succeed in my career in time to see you and be with you. There are no more conversations and when you look at me, I wonder what you see.