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Archive for December, 2010

Farewell 2010…

The year is coming to an end and I’m exhausted. This year has been full of up & downs, happy & sad, peace & war… You get the point. We usually are ready at the end of the year to just say good-bye and move on to the next. I’m not sure that I’m ready. 2010 was good to me.

This year marked a couple of milestones for me. There were a lot of very important things that happened. First of all I started dating again. My last relationship left me quite broken and hurt. I wasn’t sure if I could or wanted to meet someone again. I started dating, nothing serious, but made some really cool friends.

I made 3 years Clean & Sober, I always put those in capital letters, mainly because they are major for me, I have never since I started drinking at 15 and doing drugs at 21 have been Clean & Sober that long. It made me feel and live every moment of my life in California. Some did hurt and I cried, but I felt it!

I turned 40 this year, okay so that was pretty recent, December 26. That didn’t take away from the fact that I had been planning it all year long. I even had a birthday party after many years. It was amazing having so many friends around and to be present in every moment was incredible.

There were some sad bitter-sweet moments. I went to Texas to visit family & friends. Spent a couple of days in Houston, Mission, and Midland. It was great to see everyone, especially my Mom. It was heart breaking to say good-bye. Some of those good-byes were forever, that hurt.

Like Uncle Bill, not my real uncle, but you can find his story in an earlier post. I miss him and wish I could talk to him. I’m sorry I didn’t call him more and that I missed out on great conversations. But I got what I needed from that relationship and some great desserts.

A couple of other friends gave me scares and made me wake up to the fact that we are all vulnerable. Even I with all my spirituality and optimism, I can fall at any moment. God is great and only he knows when our journey on Earth will end and I can say I’m ready.

As the song says, “…If tomorrow never comes…” I’m ready, because I’ve loved & lost, won & lost, cried & laughed. I know the new year will bring its share of all of the same, I just hope to be in a better position; financially, romantically, professionally. I hope my Spirituality grows.

To all my family, friends, and followers I ask you to join me in thanking 2010 for all it brought into our lives and welcome 2011 with open minds, hearts, & arms. May it bring into our lives; Love, Faith, & Hope. May our dreams come to live and our goals realized.

So for all that you brought to our lives thank you and farewell 2010!!!

It’s All Memories Now…

I remember as a kid the amazement that came with Christmas. You see when I was a kid we would go to Mexico for the holiday, we lived in Dallas. So as soon as the holiday hit we were off. So Santa would come to my home in Dallas and I would only get some gifts in Mexico, but those came from my family.

The big stuff, the gifts on my list were under my tree in Dallas. One year I got a train track, another a race car track, my first big bike. Those are the ones I would ask Santa for. Okay, I know it was my dad, but somehow without me knowing he would put it together and I never knew.

We always had a tree that my sister would decorate. New decorations every year with the twinkly lights. I don’t think I remember a real tree, but it was fun putting it together. Sitting by the front window of our house, facing the street. I loved to see it from the outside.

But that was then and this is now. I don’t have a tree today. Haven’t had one for the last 2 years. Mainly because I haven’t felt the Christmas spirit within me. Is it because I don’t believe in Santa, because my sister isn’t decorating the tree. Because my parents aren’t asking me what I want… Maybe all of it.

Which got me to thinking why folks are more prone to do stupid crap during the holidays. It seems that all there is to hold on to are memories. Memories aren’t strong enough to hold you up. There has to be more than that. More than memories to push through the Holiday Spirit!

You add to that my birthday is December 26 and it just calls for disaster… 3 days of celebration that I have without my family. See I have a nephew that shares my birthday, he is 20 this year and would be a great time for celebrating. But we are too far away.

So don’t get concerned, I’m just writing… Just writing to pass the time till the emotions and feeling pass so that I don’t fall into some list of statistics. Or feel the cold rim of an empty glass of liquor. Just listening to sad music while I tell the computer what to write.

Writing about Christmas past, because in the en all I have are memories now…

Derek Gilbert…

Drift Away – Uncle Kracker

Today is dedicated to my friend Derek Gilbert. He passed away December 22, 2007. 3 years ago today… I miss him.

He was a friend when I was in my addiction, we could down some shots. There was always a party when we were together.

When I went to rehab he was there for me. He would visit and bring me sodas and candy.

When I got out he was there waiting for me.

The last time I saw him was the night of my Christmas/6 Month Party.

I walked him out to his car and he gave me a hug, kissed my forehead and told me he was proud of me. I think that’s why I never miss an opportunity to tell my friends that I’m proud of them. Because that was one of the last things he told me.

The next time we talked he was on his way to see his family to visit for the holiday. He had stopped to get a couple of cheeseburgers at McDonald’s, which I bitched at him about. He was supposed to be on a diet.

The next phone call I would get from his number would be from his sister to tell me that he passed away… I was having dinner at one of our favorite restaurants.

I never got to tell him that I was proud of him… Ever.

So this post goes out to him… And in his honor I tell all my friends that I’m proud of them.

For what? I don’t know, for being alive, for being my friends, for waking up that morning… Does it really matter?

I miss you Derek, I love you and I’m proud of you!!!

Derek Gilbert - RIP - December 22, 2007

It’s My Party…

So I have forever and even before then thrown the worst parties. People don’t get along, the food is wrong, the music sucks, people don’t want to play games… They just suck. I am the male version of Mary Tyler Moore. If you are a fan of the show you will remember that her parties were always horrible..

Well, I decided that since this is the year that I turn 40 it was only appropriate to throw a party. So I invited the closest of my friends and a couple of new ones to come and celebrate. But what could possibly go wrong… Sit back and enjoy the tale…

First I was running out of cash and thought that I wasn’t going to be able to pull it off, because if a check that I was waiting for didn’t make it… It did!!!

Then the weather is horrible, raining and cloudy and cold… Who wants to leave their hose like that. But some friends are going to venture to visit, see I live about an hour from all my friends…

Then a couple of friends are having car trouble and I’m trying to find them a ride. I hope I found them a ride…

The cake looks amazing and I haven’t showered and still have to make some guacamole…

I’ll post photos later, just had to vent that… Oh, my birthday is December 26… I’ll take cash!!!

All His Fault…

So I watching “The View”, one of my favorite talk shows. Don’t judge, it gives me just the right amount of news and gossip to keep me going through out the day. Lets just say that on any given day I can tell you who has stepped down from office for a political scandal or who is a bigger star because of a scandal.

But there is, sometimes, in the midst of all the gossip and fighting some information that I can really use. Like on today’s episode, December 15, 2010. Jenny McCarthy was the guest and she came and spoke about some baby stuff. I’m on the pill so didn’t pay attention to that.

She also spoke about a woman named Byron Katie who runs this site called “The Work”. She helps you get through whatever is happening in your life. While I’m writing this I have only skimmed through the pages, but so far I’m hooked. I’m gonna keep reading.

Anyway, this is the part that got to me, and Joy Behar has spoken about it before about her divorce. There is a list that Joy and Jenny did, in their own relationship about the Ex. A list where they make a list of the things that the Ex did wrong. Then you change their name for ‘I’.

Then you can fully understand what your responsibility and part in the break-up was. I know sounds crazy because we always want to blame our Ex’s for all that went wrong. Apparently it would make it easier to move on and into another relationship. ARGH!!!

Where was this information 20 years ago when I was breaking up with my first Ex. Maybe it’s time for me to do it, but how do I go back that far along. Can I do it about my last boyfriend and take it from there? I’m just saying can I blame myself for everything I did at 20 years old?

Either way, I’m gonna read the site and see where I can move forward. I need to leave behind this neediness and dependency on a relationship. I have been complete for a long time, don’t need a partner, but would like one. Kinda like a new pair of jeans.

But why do I have to take the blame for the break-up? I can blame it on my Ex, It’s all his fault!!!

Ignorance Will Not Do…

I had lunch with a friend today, we have been friends almost 2 year now. Since I first met him I have seen him try to help an endless number of kids. By kids I mean 20 – 25 year old guys. We live in Laguna Beach and we get a good number of runaways.

Some are just too comfortable with the lifestyle and only want a handout and move on. Some want company, an ear to hear them out and move on. Some are very happy exchanging sexual favors and move on. Every now and then there was one that really wanted a new life.

So you help the ones that want it and you have to walk away from the ones that don’t. Easier said than done. Why? Because you really want to help everyone and see them succeed. Avoid the mistakes that we made, I’m almost 40 now. I’ve stepped on a lot of dog poo!

Now I’m not judging, I had a rough time and at times liked it rough. Missed out on a lot of information that perhaps could have helped me avoid some of the situations I’ve encountered. I’m not bitching or whining my life is pretty great. I am doing just about everything I want to do.

I just can’t stop thinking that if at the time, when I was in my teens, had the internet and all of the information out there would I be where I am. Okay, Spiritually I know I am where I’m supposed to be and all happens for a reason. Got it. But the human side of me wonders ‘If’…

That said, I didn’t so I fell into situations that got me to where I am now and here I am and life went on. So why are folks still falling pray to situations that they could avoid with just a bit of  research. One word “Google”. All you have to do is look for information and you’ll have it, in seconds!!!

So I do get a little irritated when young folks go to the clinic for an HIV test, worry about dying. Not even considering that you can live a long life with medication. Assume that it’s going to kill them so why take medicine or even get tested. Not even considering their partners… What?!?!

So here goes to all the folks that read this blog, I appreciate it. I also hope that I can pass a little bit of information that you may not know. AIDS kills, it’s manageable, but if you don’t take care of it, it will kill you. If you don’t know and you unprotected sex, you are killing someone.

So find out how to prevent getting infected. How to use a condom. Get tested and know where to go. Meet someone who so they can tell what it’s like to be Positive. You have no excuse to not be informed. You live in a world of instant information at your fingertips. Ignorance will not do!!!

Finding True Love…

So I had connected with several folks from the OKCupid. Nothing really spectacular. You know the way it works; Wink, Message, E-mail, Phone, Coffee… The end. You come back to the site and keep looking. It’s a game, just know the rules and play.

This time after a good number of messages we decided to exchange numbers and talked a couple of times. Not extremely long conversations, just testing the waters. I surely didn’t want another nut or odd person to meet with or someone with a 10 year old photo!

This guy seemed normal… WAIT A MINUTE!!! Yeah, quite normal. Interesting guy actually. Going to school and getting his degree, so he was smart. From his photos I could see that he had good friends and was close to his family. Nice!

So we talked a couple of more times until the one day that I was coming home from doing some volunteer work. Which I was supposed to meet folks for lunch and decided to come home. That’s when I got the text, “Can we talk?”… Yes!

So I texted back “As soon as I get home.” Okay, I was texting while driving. But I was excited. So I got home and as soon as I got to the parking lot I was on the phone. I had to pee like a dog, so I walked and talked really fast!

We talked for about 30 minutes before he asked me if I would be insulted if he asked me out to eat. I thought that was really cute. Would I be insulted? I acted really calm and cool. “Sure, if you’d like to meet”. Was that cool enough?

I decided that he should come to my place. He has several roommates and I live alone. Plus add to that the fact that he is quite indecisive… So for a moment it made me feel in charge. Very dominant. Still playing it cool.

So the date was set for 7:30 and I took a little nap. Got the place ready and plenty of Fabreeze, gotta smell good. Got a text about 6:45, “I’m on my way”… I was exited! Took a shower pulled out several outfits.

Finally changed and thought I looked good. Waited and it was about 7:30… Almost time… Then I get the call, he was lost and needed directions. So I quickly got on Google and checked where he was. Gave him directions.

Called back and was still lost… Gave him more directions… Lost again and this time I asked him to stay put. I knew where he was. I felt like Superman saving him from doom. He wasn’t far from my house all a matter of the wrong turn.

So I got in my car and raced down the road, about 8 miles to where he was. I have to confess that it was my fault, the last set of instructions were on me… oops! Finally found him and came home. He was cute.

You know there is rugged, handsome, and cute. He is cute. We came upstairs to my place and you could feel the nervous tension in the elevator. Just up quickly to get my coat or keys or something, then dinner.

I choose a nice 24 place near my house, since it was past 9:00 PM and everything else around me was closed. But they make the best burgers. He wanted to drive which seemed really cool to me, considering all he drove to get here.

There was a lot of conversation along the way. We talked a lot, flirted a lot. Laughed at every joke, he has a cute laugh so I was trying to make a joke every time I could. Dinner was over and he picked-up the check. I was going to.

We came back to my place and I made coffee. Showed off the photo album and had a long and interesting conversation. Very intimate. I felt good because I had just redone my dinning room and it looks very grown-up.

After about an hour or so of conversation he had to leave. So I walked him to his car. Oh, wait you want details… Well, a gentleman doesn’t kiss and tell. But we did share a kiss or two… Okay that’s all I’m saying!

He has a full schedule with school and work and mine is very flexible so we didn’t agree or disagree on another date. We just left it at “We Hope”… I would like to see him again. He is a nice and warm guy.

If anything I saw how Winking, Messaging, E-mailing, and Talking can lead to a nice date. Love of my life, okay, no… But it was a very nice Saturday night. I’ll take that over a pizza and movie.

Good luck to all of us… May we find true love!

I Want A Partner…

Okay, so I’ve started this post about 3 times now, mainly because I couldn’t get into it and part because it sounded stupid. But I want to talk about dating… I’m not going to give a lesson or show a step by step, more about how my selection in choosing someone to date has changed, see if you feel the same way.

When I was in my 20’s I wanted someone to take care of me. A husband, if you will, he would wash the cars, mow the lawn. I would cook, pay the bills. We would eat and watch TV, he would hold the remote. I would bake something for dessert and of course sex.

It worked out a bit…

In my 30’s I wanted someone mature to show me the way of the world. I was ready to learn all the secrets that life was keeping from me. I guess I still wanted a husband. Someone to wash the cars, mow the lawn. But now I wanted to be able to go out to eat, stop for dessert and of course sex.

That didn’t quite work out…

Now I’m about to him my 40’s. A couple of more weeks and I slip into another box. What I wanted for the last 20 years and what I want now sure have changed. Sure I still want a husband, but I want to wash the cars together and live in an apartment, no lawn!

I want both of us to choose where to eat and have dessert at home watching TV and of course sex… See the pattern here? What I’m trying to say is that I want equality in the relationship, we both have  a say, we both pick… Am I being unrealistic?

In the end, when I put my head on my bed, I want a partner.

Curtain Down…

Okay, so first, am I the only blogger that gets the urge to do it when I’m sad? I get more stimulation this way than when I’m really happy. Does that happen to anyone else? So I’m a little sad, you can gather that because I’m writing. You want me to share, of course that’s why you are still reading.

Well, the play I have been rehearsing for since like September, was postponed/canceled. Why? Well, very unprofessional actors. We were able to gather about five that I counted that would commit to the project then not come back after one rehearsal.

I know what you are thinking, ‘Where did we find these folks?’, that’s what I”m thinking. The discount basket at the local market. Or the Hollywood ‘Lost & Found’. So maybe I’m just complaining and I’ll make today’s post short. Who wants to hear me complain?

One door closes another opens… This will leave me more room to do other things… I know…

So I will keep you informed of what happens. For now it’s curtain down on this project!

Go Rest, Uncle Bill…

I first met Bill after Dan became my Sponsor. I don’t really know if we were introduced or if I went up to him. Maybe we were sitting at the same table. I guess now it doesn’t really matter how but that we did. True is I was a little intimidated. Scared is a better word.

Not sure how or why, but I knew he would become a big part of my life. For 3 years he was a very positive part of my Recovery. He opened his arms and home to me like only an uncle could. So he became Uncle Bill. Dan was still Dan, but he was Uncle Bill.

The first time I stayed at their place he made me a Dump Cake. Best cake I’ve ever tasted. I fell in love with the cake and with him. He was the uncle I always wanted and never found in any relative. He was calm and collected. With a dry sense of humor and a witty come back.

He had his little temper, I saw very little of it, but I knew there was a volcano waiting to explode. We had some great conversations where I found some good advice, like an Uncle could give. He helped me face some fears and enjoy the laughter.

I was able to talk to him when the diagnoses was not what he wanted and shared a tear. I was scared for him, for Dan, and for me. If he left who would be my Uncle Bill. Who would I share that special conversation with. There are other people to talk to, but only one Uncle Bill.

I keep typing his name as if that is going to bring him back. Or if they phone is going to ring and realize that I was part of a joke or prank. Or that the man that I thought was invincible was actually human like the rest of us. Or that he was in the kitchen making another cake.

The last time I saw him was on my trip to Houston in September 2010. He was very weak yet still found the energy to go downstairs into the kitchen and make me 3 deserts. I was able to take him to pick up his glasses where we both gushed over the cute doctor.

We had our last great conversation in that car ride. I took the photo posted here and I think I held on to him hard because somehow knew that there may not be another chance. I cried when it was time to leave, fact is that was the only time I cried on that trip.

Now I wish I had held on tighter and longer and said so many things that I didn’t. Isn’t that the way life works you just miss that chance to say what you really felt. It has happened with other friends and it kills me. Even writing now the tears wont stop and it hurts.

I was able to send him a couple of photos that I understand were kept by his bed. One of me in a cowboy outfit, which I autographed. I’m told he was very proud of me, I’d like to think he still is. I was his Hollywood nephew, I’m sure the only person in the world that has ever said that.

I never got to talk to him again after that trip and our last good-bye. I’m sure he knows how much I love him. He passed away alone. That was his style, dignified and quiet. Not too much fuss, just do what you need to do. Trying to not be in your way.

I’m going to miss… Everything. I’d be lying if I didn’t say those Dump Cakes. The great hugs he gave. The nice and intimate conversations. His laugh when I would say something tacky to make him laugh. I’m gonna miss having my Uncle Bill… He might have been an uncle to others, but he was my Uncle Bill.

He passed away November 24, 2010… Just before Thanksgiving. I hear he was planning the dinner, up to the end he still wanted to be in the kitchen, controlling everything. I didn’t find out till Saturday that he had passed. I was thankful I met him.

Go rest now, Uncle Bill.

Uncle Bill & Me

Go Rest High On The Mountain