Archive for November, 2010
I got a scanner from a friend and started pulling out my photo albums to upload them to Facebook. You can find me there and the link is on my page. Going through photos can bring up very contradictory feelings towards the folks in them. Which is why now I write about my sister Nancy.
She is the middle child, 9 years older than me. So growing up, like most older sisters, I would say that she didn’t want to baby sit me. I was so desperate to be grown-up that I wanted to be around her. Besides the fact that she was the only one that got me as a kid.
I’ve said it before, my parents did the best they could, but they had limits. My sister had been to school and knew the challenges of it and could help, understand. So it would be understatement to say that I cried, a lot, when she got married and moved away.
The one big gripe that I have is that I didn’t get to see her walk down the isle. I waited at the reception hall for some deliveries. My sister Juanita married when I was a baby, but I wanted to see my sister in her white dress walk with my dad… You never get over that.
As I grew up and got involved in drugs and alcohol, I always felt judged. I wasn’t, but it felt that way. It was more my jealousy. Not the bad one, the one where I wished I had what she and my other sister did. A family. I know what you are going to say, “I did”.
I mean my own, a partner, some kids, a home, even a dog (I don’t like pets). But I wanted the happiness that she had and I couldn’t get. So when things went south for us, again my doing, it really hurt me. I had to run and that’s when I ran to Houston.
I missed out on a lot with her. She could have been my best friend, but I messed it up. I am working on getting it back. I miss my sister. Every time something cool happens with my career, or my heart gets broken, when I miss my mom’s voice or feel sick, I miss her.
She made the best afternoon snacks, Spreadable sandwiches, Doritos and a coke… YUMMY! She would let me comb her hair when she got home from work, she would work till midnight, and fall asleep while I was still talking. She played Old Maid with me, even though she was bored.
She was my hero growing up, and still is, she watches over my parents and her kids and takes care of the house and my brother-in-law and still looks amazing. She sucks at returning text, but I guess you have to be bad at something to be human, right?
I love my sister and I remember fondly all the times we talked as a kid and I value the times we can now… For all that you did for me, thank you, Nancy.
I don’t talk about my sister a whole lot, why? I don’t know. Maybe to keep their privacy. I love my sisters very much, they helped raise me. I have 2; Juanita the oldest and Nancy the middle child. Today I will talk about Juanita. She is 21 years older than me.
I was 10 months old when she got married and almost 4 when her second child was born. She had a little girl when I was about 1 who died. I can never remember her name, but can you believe that I miss her. I wonder what it would have been to have a niece old enough to be my baby sister.
I wonder how my life would have been different. More so, I wonder how my Juanita’s life would have been different. It can’t be easy on a woman to loose a baby, especially since her next three kids are boys. I’m sure she wonders what it would have been like to have a girl run around the house.
I wonder about her husband too. I’d like to think that it would have made them softer more tender and tolerant. They were a little hard growing-up. See every Summer I would spend it with them. She was my second mom. I love her for that and many more things.
When I was on my Winter vacation in 6th grade I decided that I didn’t want to live in Dallas anymore. I was being teased and harassed by other kids and didn’t have many friends. In Mexico with my sister I had many friends that liked me and didn’t tease me.
So my parents let me move with her and go to school. It was never hard to tell her things. I would come home from school and share with her what I did. I think it was good preparation for her for when her kids went to junior and high school.
Until I started to realize that I was Gay and she did too. Things changed, she didn’t approve and couldn’t understand it. She encouraged my parents to send me to therapy, twice! The first doctor I couldn’t stand, he was weird. Actually I had a crush on him.
The second, her name was Leticia, was cool. I think she was Gay. She taught me that there was nothing wrong with me. That I was a well balanced kid. I believed her and the gap between my sister grew bigger. Till the day I was outed and I moved out.
The fight was big, yelling, screaming, threatening, I almost slapped her. I regret that to this day. She wanted to protect me and I wanted to run. To this day I don’t think I have apologized for that. We tried to mend the relationship for awhile but it never did.
I miss her. She was great to talk to. We could sit and drink coffee, eat sweat bread, and watch old Mexican movies… She is my sister Juanita.
My father is a great man, he worked hard to put food on the table. He kept up the house and the cars. He made sure he taught me everything he knew, even if I didn’t learn it. He did the best he could with the resources he had. He was a different generation.
Between him and I there are 37 years difference and 2 sisters, so by the time I came around I think, he thought he was done with kids. He did get a son, maybe not the one he expected, but a son. One with a very different vision of the world and how it should be.
I learned from him some great things; how to be a friend. Not just to those I knew but to strangers. I learned to love music and sing-a-long. I learned how to enjoy a beer and grill a steak. I learned to share even when I had very little for myself. God will give me more.
I learned to wear nice clothes and care for what I have. I learned to love my mother and respect my father. I learned to work hard and party harder. To love nature and admire the Sun every day it came out. I learned to love my roots and defend my culture.
I also learned to keep some of my feelings to myself and never really share how I felt. How to keep my distance and watch from far away. I learned to be a man, maybe not in the traditional way that he was, but a man. My father is a great guy.
I’m hope that he gets the chance to read this and understand that I love him and I’m thankful for all that he did for me. That I am so proud of him and what he is doing with my mother, caring for her through her life with Alzheimer. For what he stands for, even if I don’t always agree.
As the song says, “… Yo soy tu sangre, mi viejo… (… I am your blood, old man…)”
Is it possible to miss something you’ve never had? Let me explain, like a relationship with someone you just met. A career just started. A life you haven’t lived. Get where I’m going with this? There are a few things in my life that I haven’t had yet but I miss them.
I met this guy on-line and we have been texting, E-mailing, and talking for a while. Still on a “Get To Know” basis but he is very supportive of my job, listens to my stories, which can be very long winded. Worries about my health and doesn’t keep me on the phone too late.
Now mind you we have never met, other than photos. Yet I find I miss him, or the essence of him, when I’m driving to the store and shopping for dinner. When I’m eating watching TV and having a conversation with the set instead of with him.
Maybe I miss being in-love and the way it feels knowing that the person laying next to you has your back. Will hold you when you’re sad and jump for joy when you are happy. Will remember your birthday and to get you a soda when he goes into the kitchen.
Maybe I miss turning over in bed and feeling a warm body to hold on to when it’s too cold. The sounds of another person in the house, singing in the shower or the loud snore. Either way you know that you are not alone. Then you miss being alone… Ha-ha!!!
So over the last couple of days I’ve been thinking of the things I don’t have yet but I miss and this is one of them. I miss being part of, being on the other side of ‘&’. Making dinner for two not just for one. Planning the day with someone else in mind.
So I let a tear roll down my cheek and I think, “What am I missing?”
I had a friend stay over for a couple of days. Let me say that we were nothing more than colleagues in the film business, Facebook friends, have many mutual friends, and had spoken twice before in person. But he wanted to visit Southern California so he came over.
The energy that filled my home was amazing. I didn’t realize how great it feels to share your home. No matter how humble or rich you are, sharing is sharing, no matter how you cut it… Pardon the pun. But when I came home last night and he was gone. I felt it.
It was almost like the aftershock of an earthquake, if you’ve been through one you know what I mean. It is a lot calmer but you still feel it. That is what it was in my home last night. It was calm but I could still feel his energy running through the house.
I missed it when, after being home for a couple of hours, all went back to normal. I will honestly say that I was sad for a moment. Not sure what I was sad about. Again we weren’t that great of friends when he got here. There was really no history to speak of. But I missed him or the presence of someone?
Now after sharing some adventures and meals we have, I hope we have a bond. We talked about loves found and lost, goals and dream, wins and losses. There were big laughs and comfortable silences driving in my car with the top down enjoy the California sun.
As we stood on the boardwalk looking into the Pacific Ocean looking at the skies turning different colors I realized that those moments are so much better with company. Now it’s time to make that company permanent. I am on a mission to find a partner to share with.
So I need to thank my friend, Bardia Mattin, for visiting me and opening my eyes to that fact that sharing the simple things in life is what it’s all about. I’ve had other visitors but this, for some reason, was when I got the message. God was ready for me to hear it.
The message is, “Sharing blesses me!!!”
Today I really need to vent… Really! I don’t normally get mad, very little rattles my cage. You can cancel at the last minute. Move times around. Delete me from Facebook. Post a nasty note on my page. Criticize my photos. Call me names. Whatever…
BUT… Yes, that’s a big but. When it comes to anything that interferes with my feeding time. When you come between me and a meal. In any way, stop it, delay it, postpone it… You better run. I’m hypoglycemic so my sugar drops and the bitch rises!!!
Things I don’t want to hear when I’m hungry:
- Me: What do you want to eat? You: Whatever you want? Me: Well, pick something. You: Whatever. Me: PICK!!!
- You: What do you want to eat? Me: Mexican. You: Something else. Me: Chinese You: Something else. Me: Hamburgers. You: No. Me: PICK!!!
- Me: I’m hungry, pull over so I can get a snack. You: Can’t you wait a bit? Me: STOP!!!
This is just a mental note if you ever ask me to eat. Be ready with a suggestion stand by it and just drive there. No detours, no I need to stop here. No I’m sick and need to go to the hospital. No I think I’m lost. NO-NO-NO… Because this may cost your life.
Okay, I’m kidding I’m not going to kill you, but when I’m done screaming, you may want to kill yourself. I’m kidding, just run! Ha-ha-ha… Well, something similar happened today and I’m about to let go a friend… Yes, off with his head… You are the weakest link!!!
So that’s my Friday night vent. I’m done with one of my biggest pet peeves.
Have you heard the song… Well, I guess the better question; Have you read the lyrics. If you are anything like me you sing a song, follow the beat, belt it out in the car, yet you never know what you are singing.. Right!? Well, I remember singing this song since I was a kid.
Wish I didn’t know what I didn’t know then…
How many things run through my head, things about life, sex, relationships… I feel like I’m overwhelmed with information. That now it’s harder to take away the useless information about life, the, as we would say, baggage… Did I just make you sick???
Surrounded by strangers I thought were my friends…
I was thinking about how many ‘best friends’ I’ve had in my life time… There was, Argel, when I was a kid. Vicky, through high school. Frank, in my early 20’s. Bill, in my mid 20’s. Late 20’s were heavy drug years so, my drug dealer. Early 30’s, Bruce. Mid 30’s, again my drug dealer (different one). Late 30’s Derek. I save the last names to protect the innocent.
I found my self seeking shelter against the wind…
Most of my life has seemed that I was fighting a loosing battle. I was never good enough, smart enough, good looking enough, talented enough… ENOUGH! Am I ever gonna be enough for anyone… No. Will I ever be enough for me… I have to be, I’m all I’ve got.
Well, I’m older now and still running…
It never stops, does it? I’m asking those readers that are older than me. Not to put you on the spot, but to clear it up, give me an answer. Do we ever stop running to or against? The wind ever stop long enough to let us stop and rest? And where are the cowboys running?
I guess I’ve lost my way and I’m looking for shelter…