Archive for October, 2010
Please feel free to play the video while you read. This is the song that inspired today’s writing. See I had a little procedure done earlier this week it has kept me home and playing on my computer quite a bit, watching a lot of TV. As I’m playing with YouTube I found the song.
So I started wondering, ‘Have I had the time of my life?’
Yes, I have. I’ll be 40 this year and I have lived through some very amazing things in my life. Sickness, addiction, alcoholism, broken heart, broken relationships, moves, changes. I know that all sounds very negative and is that really the best in life… NO!
Along with all the hurt have come some really extraordinary things, big word, I know. My first love was amazing; it made me grow-up and face the world. It made me face my fears and look loneliness in the face. It taught me about sharing a space with someone else.
Being sick and in the hospital in 2000, months shy of turning 30. Very scary time, didn’t know if I was going to walk out. You get the idea when family you haven’t seen in a while come to see you at the hospital… Yikes! I don’t think the doctors had any hope.
I walked out of there with a cane and just grasping for the next day. So when in 2008 I was able to be on stage dancing to 80’s music for the Gay Men’s Chorus of Houston it was magical. A personal triumph after years of not knowing where my life was going.
Recovery came at just the right time, doesn’t it always. I was a mess, drugs and alcohol had taken over every aspect of my life. Lost my car and apartment, my self-respect and self-esteem. My will to go on was based on my next drink and hit… Sad I know.
Wait now, because from there came serenity, a new take on the world. A higher connection to my Higher Power. Inner calm, if you don’t have it… GET IT!!! The realization that everything has it’s time and place and I’m exactly where I’m supposed to be. That was the tough one.
I know that from your end you probably are thinking this doesn’t seem all that great. But when you have been stuck in a mental hole for close to 20 years and someone opens it up and shows you what’s out there… WOW!!! I’ll go into it more in future writings.
For now just know that I’ve had the time of my life!!!
I remember the first time I fell in love. I don’t mean just puppy love or high school crush. Not even those first loves that were made over a drink at the club or a cup of coffee. I mean the one you leave everything for and forget everyone else exist… You know the one?
I moved in with my first love just shy of 21 and I was ready… So I thought. My mother had taught me the fine art of laundry and ironing. Shopping and cooking. My father taught me to change the oil and a tire. They both explained that I would have a home to care for… And try to not move back!
So I went for it loaded the last of the boxes in the pick-up and drove towards my love nest, my new home… Home-Sweet-Home… Happiness only lasted about 2 years before the sign faded and changed to Home-$#!+-Home!!!
We couldn’t stand to see each other in the morning. Work was a welcomed vacation. Dinner was like the last meal on death row. Sex… What’s that? Conversations were like talking to your insurance agent. Going out was just an excuse to sit in a loud bar to avoid conversation.
So I packed up the pick-up and moved, we went our separate ways only to find that we were better off miserable together than miserable apart. Crazy, yes… Dumb, yes… Unusual, no… Really, you don’t have friends in messed up relationships?
So I loaded up the pick-up and we moved in together, again. This time it was a smaller apartment and the same tempers! This lasted another 2 years until the anger was too much to hold us together. Yes, there was alcohol and other lovers. Lots of tears.
So 20 years later I’m still finding that dopey feeling I felt after that first love. Like a drug we want the thrill of the first love. But like drugs you only get that first high once. Doesn’t stop a drug addict and it’s not gonna stop me. I want butterflies & fireworks, stars & moons!!!
Will I find it? Probably not, but I’m not one to loose hope. Is he out there? Probably but someone else probably has him. Will it be hard? It might just kill me… So I have one question to ask myself; Love, why are you so difficult?
Have you ever grabbed and old photo of you, maybe from when you were a kid and looked at the look in your eyes. The smile, the worry free face and wondered what happened? Wondered what dreams that kid had, what were the goals? What really made you happy then.
I recently got a scanner from a friend and was able to scan one before my computer crashed. It’s working again now, so I will scan more photos soon. Found one from a school with my first communion suit, must be about 1979… Or so and I have this huge smile. You can already see the big front teeth!!!
I’m wearing a big collar and a great jacket. Not the typical communion color… That should have been a sign that my life would not be normal or ordinary. I wasn’t wrong. The big smile and bright eyes make me want to protect that kid and not let anything happen to him.
I want to warn him that there are going to be some decision to make and that maybe he should choose a different route than I did. That maybe sticking it out in a Dallas school would have been better. That bullying would not have been that bad. I wasn’t going to be an after school special.
I am who I am today because of those decisions. To be honest I am very proud of the choices I made. I have earned every wrinkle on my forehead. Every scar from falling and getting up. The gray on my temples. The smile with my big teeth and I still have 70’s clothes!!!
There are still the dreams and goals that that kid had… Multiplied!!! There is just no telling how much that photo is worth. It carries a lot of information on where I’m going now. Thanks kid!
I hadn’t written in a while mainly because everything I had to say was either bitchy or whinny… And well, if I didn’t want to write it you wouldn’t want to hear it. True? So here I am today still feeling a little of both. But I will make a great effort to turn it around before the end.
I found myself on the ‘Treadmill Of Life’. What’s that you ask. Well, I’ll explain… I like staying home, so I don’t go out much. I don’t go out much, so I don’t meet people (guys). I don’t meet people, so I don’t date. I don’t date, so I don’t go out… Get it?!?!
So I decided to join a number of dating sites. Easy enough. Answer a couple of hundred questions, on each one. I know you are curios as to which ones. I’ll post them in a bit. I feel like I was being interviewed by the police for an ultra secret service job… Boxer or Briefs???
Pick just the right photo to post so that folks can see the real me. You know a picture is worth a thousand words and after all the typing I could use some help. I’m smiling, I’m serious, like I don’t care that I was caught asleep. I avoided the self portrait photo taken in front of the mirror or with the arm stretched out as far as it goes (personal choice).
Okay… Upload photos. Paid for one of the sites, but love ain’t cheap. Start your engines and let’s start searching… Male looking for male – 30-45 (or change that to 35-55???). In my area and I’ll only drive 50 miles (or change to 30 miles, gas ain’t cheap either) Any ethnicity, sure… Any height, sure… Eye color, (WTF???) And ‘Search’!!!
Cute… Naw… Maybe… Wink… Message… Icebreaker… Favorite… Answer Questions… Type In Code… You Don’t Have Access… Mature Photos… No Photo… Too Many Photos… Is That A Hair Piece… How Many Pets… Still Lives With Parents… PNP… Straight Acting… ARGH!!!
So many details to consider, this is getting stressful… BUT WAIT!!! Here is one guy, looks normal, sounds normal. Message sent, message received, message sent, message received. Phone number sent, phone number received. Text sent, text received. Lunch date sent, response received. A DATE!!!
I’ve been on several dates and each one has been different from the other. Some you expect their younger brother to show up. Some are not as thin as they were in the photos. Some have better personality on screen than in person.Some turned out to be a great date and some would be better friends.
I’m not done yet, I still want to go on more dates and I think this could lead to more blog entries. Stay tuned. So if you have been on the ‘Treadmill Of Life’, check out the sites and we can trade notes. I know for some of us it’s been awhile, it doesn’t get easier, but it sure can be fun!!!
(Disclaimer: If you are one of the dates I’ve been on, don’t be offended or take too personal, some notes are exaggerated for the purpose of this blog)
I don’t really understand what goes on in my head sometimes… Most of the time. There is a feeling that hits me almost every time I need something.
Let me explain… I’m on the couch and I’m hungry. There’s food in the kitchen, plenty of it. I find a way to keep myself from it. That part of my brain.
“You’ve eating enough today.” or “You can wait a little longer”, even “You’re gonna run out of food”… Stuff along that line. Then other thoughts hit my head.
I think of my mom who can’t cook for herself anymore. I feel guilty that I’m enjoying life, that I can do whatever I want and she can’t… Get the idea?
Guilt kicks in and I lay on the couch, almost as if I get off the couch I will fall into the carpet or a shark will come and eat me… All while I’m hungry… Stupid???
Well, it takes quite a bit of negotiating with myself to get me up and eating… Then I’m fine… Till I’m hungry next time.
Is it guilt or something like it???
I’m probably watching every show that has to do with moms. There was ‘Project Runway’, ‘Brothers & Sisters’, and ‘The Middle’… All about moms.
Although I grew up very independent, my mom was a big part of my life. Many things that I do today are things I learned from her.
My mom has been battling Alzheimer’s for about 5 years now and having known folks with it before I knew what to expect. It’s never the same till it’s one of your parents.
I don’t have much to say other than it’s not her anymore. She still looks at me with love… For about 5 seconds and then she’s gone.
I’m writing at about 3:00 AM so I’ll keep it short. No matter how independent I think I am, I’m still a momma’s boy.