Archive for September, 2010
It might seem that at my age I’m very comfortable in my skin. That not much bothers me or gets under my skin. For the most part that is true.
But when I was a kid, say 7 0r 8, I started noticing that I was different than other kids. Different than other boys. Yeah, I like sports, bikes, and GI Joe… But…
But I also liked other boys and enjoyed playing with the girls in the neighborhood and school. Hop scotch, jump rope, and yes even Barbie!
The other kids weren’t very welcoming of my difference. Fact is they were pretty mean about it. Pushing sometimes, knocking books, chasing home.
Or they could be very nice about it. Too nice… Pretending to enjoy my company and be my friend until we would play doctor and then they would hurt me.
Did I ever tell anyone, no… I some how thought I deserved it. Because it wasn’t normal. I didn’t know anyone else like me. Who could I tell.
I was lucky enough that when I realized who I was and what was going on in my mind I could run. I went to live with a sister where I was thought of as eccentric… Nice!
But I could have been one of those kids with no escape…
The hard thing about moving away and then coming back to visit is; that’s all it is a visit.
Once you move away you loose track of the daily events in people’s lives. Changes in their world, because it’s not your world anymore.
That restaurant you liked on the corner. The guy that you used to see in the park. The park!
I tried to walk along my old stomping grounds yesterday. I moved away from Houston in January 2009 and it changed.
I felt bigger or smaller, out of place. Like a visitor, because I am a vistor. I don’t have a place at the table.
Even interacting with my friends is odd, they are taking time out of their lives to cater to me… The visitor.
I guess I’m ready to go home and this trip is just starting… ARGH!!!
But then again I see the smile on my face and the smile on my friends and I know that we are all happy that I came to visit.
So for now I’ll enjoy stomping around… Visiting…
We do things for people for one of many reasons; We are payed, we love them, we want to, we are called upon to do so… You get the point.
What about doing things out of guilt, where does that fit in? Are they as significant as all the others, or more like the step-child of the “Good For Nothing”.
A “Good For Nothing” is something you do, maybe, without anyone knowing or without any unnecessary advertising. You just do it because it feels good… To you.
During my Summer in rehab, GFN’s were encouraged and even became a game. You would wait for folks to do their laundry so you could fold it when they weren’t watching.
Clean the kitchen while the person in charge was still eating or make your roommates bed while they were in the bathroom… Get the point?
Why did this come to my mind? I was watching the movie “Seven Pounds” with Will Smith and it occurred to me that we don’t hear about those kind of things very often…
Then again why should or could we if they are meant to be “Good For Nothing” (insert small chuckle here).
So give it a try, do something for someone without them knowing you did it. Start small, it takes practice.
Like what? Well, you know that lady down the street that is always having a hard time, leave a $20 gift card to the grocery store in her mail box. While the old man next door is out, mow his lawn. Pay for an extra cup of coffee for person behind you in line.
You don’t have to go too far, someone in your family needs a hand and is too proud to ask, well don’t tell!
So go now, my Good For Nothing Soldiers and be Good For Nothing!!!
This morning I woke up quite early. The memory of yesterday still playing in my head. There was a great day of rehearsal. A call for a part. A chance to talk to this guy I like.
There are so many great things going on, well I guess there is always great stuff going on in my life, some shape or form. But this was great all around.
Now, anyone that knows me knows I’m not a rich man, but I get by okay. I’m not a great looking man, but I clean-up nice. I’m not the greatest actor, but I can hold my own.
I may not even be the best friend a best friend deserves, but I’m there. Probably, and you’d have to ask my Exes, better yet don’t ask them anything… Ha!
But today, this morning, God bless, everything feels right. My bills are paid and I still have some money left. Well, except for Harvey, my car. Working on that one.
So I felt the urge to call my Mom & Dad and tell them about all that is going on. But… I always had a better connection with my mother, and want to get her on the phone and just tell her what’s going on.
Of course the gloomy morning doesn’t help, or the sad songs I’m listening to. But I want to know that my Mom is proud of me, not by other people, by her.
I wonder what’s the last memory she has of us together. Was it a time when I was a kid and didn’t know any better. Was it a drunk moment, when I didn’t know better.
Was it the last time we shared a cup of coffee and a cigarette… When her mind clears up, does she remember the last time I told her I loved her.
So I had a date, first in a long time, there was food & a movie. Conversation & snuggling. Plenty of kissing… But mostly talking and getting to know each other.
Now I’m realistic, I can be a little intense, passionate, or maybe a little needy. I’m not sure the ratio of the three but I’m sure they are all there.
I wasn’t expecting this to be much than that a first date. I had expectations of a second. Which very could be… Okay, I’m reading into it way too much.
I expect communication, right, if you like someone why not text or call or E-mail or Facebook… YIKES!!! I sound very close to being a psycho stalker… Where is that restraining order???
I guess where I’m going with this is that it felt nice. The closeness, the attention, in both directions. The looks and touches and most important the more intimate moments… The kiss.
I hadn’t kissed someone in awhile and it felt nice. Comfortable, familiar, warm, passionate. I didn’t know after my last break-up if I could or wanted to kiss someone again. I did!
I didn’t know if I could kiss someone with that intensity again. Would feel as if it were okay and not like I was cheating on my Ex. But I finally outgrew that feeling.
Just like riding a bike… Jump on and pedal!!!