Archive for August, 2010
When I was younger, much younger, young enough to believe in castles in the sky and a prince that arrives in a white horse. In magical mirrors and fairy god mothers, I fell in love.
The first time I actually, truly, really fell in love was with my first love, his name, doesn’t matter. But when we kissed it was in a bar just as the DJ turned on the disco ball.
There were lights shinning all around and the music started. I believed, truly believed that this was a sign that God had chosen my life partner. My prince had arrived.
Four years later that relationship fell apart and it was over. The clock struck midnight and I was running for the door. It seemed the disco ball had lost all the mirrors, it was just a ball hanging from the celling.
For many years I tortured anyone who tried to get that close to me. As soon as they showed some sort of weakness I attacked. They weren’t going to hurt me before I could do it, I had no proof but I knew they would!!!
I’m not sure how many relationships I went through, they were disposable and just as easy as I would jump I jumped out. No looking back, no remorse… Hurt them and hurt them good!!!
I’m not there today, I want to take a chance again. I want the disco ball and the music in the background. I’ve learned my lesson though. I’m not wearing glass slippers, more like hiking boots… Durable.
I’m gonna take another chance!
I went to church today. Not that is too hard to believe, I was raised Catholic and I’ve always enjoyed church. Yeah, I fought my parents growing up, but once I got older.
Then I understood the pageantry that went into it. The discipline, the coordination, the ritual. All made it comfortable, recognizable… Made it home.
Especially during the years where drugs & alcohol were a big part of my life I always had church. Especially when communion came around, that was my favorite part.
At that moment God told me that all my sins were forgiven. That everything I did that week was erased and I could start again. Sounds wrong, I know.
The tears would start flowing, not just small cry, large tears and snot and all. That was the part that made feel like God was really listening to me, regardless.
So today when I was in church and communion started, yep, I started crying. My friend thought I was really feeling the Spirit. I guess I was, but not for the reason he thought.
I was home.
Okay this may not be one of my most uplifting post. The title should have given it away. So if you are still reading then you either understood the title or you are also single.
Either way stay with me and we might just find a way out of this gathering of misery and find the way out.
So I went to a large church garage sale, you know the one, endless rows of cheap stuff that are ‘one man’s trash’ and boy do I get excited over $2.00 shoes! Then there was no one to share that with.
Then I need a new tire for my car, so I went to my local American Tires, been going there for awhile. Had to make a decision over get this one or the cheaper one. Then there was no one to share that with.
Farmers market is today so I walked over to get my weekly stash of fruits and vegetables. Some really good deals and you can get as much as you want, cheap. Bought a huge watermelon for $4.00. Then there is no one to share it with.
Do you see a pattern here? The deal is I’m ready to share my time, things, my love with someone. Now don’t get all worked up, I have a great time alone. I get up and do what I want, when I want, how I want… You get the point.
So let’s send out a message to the Universe… Hey, I’m ready for love to come into my life in the form of a partner, someone who will respect & love me, be nice & considerate, hard working & laid back… Too much to ask
There were too many days, too many months in the last year where I was broken-down. No money for gas, barely for food and not enough to lift my spirits.
Nights worrying about tomorrow, endless nights with no sleep and countless days sleeping from exhaustion. Things were not going according to my plan.
Then one day I got on my knees again, I had stopped praying on my knees, because I thought that my relationship with God had gotten on a first name basis.
I realized that although he loves me and his light goes with me where ever I go. I must offer him the respect He deserves. I must be humble before God.
My life turned around and now I sleep at night and live during the day. As it should be, as it should be…
There is no lesson or hard love story here, just that fact that I learned that when I am living under God’s light I will not get the benefits if I sitting next to Him.
I guess that makes sense why we say, “… One nation under God…”. I pay attention!
One of my favorite songs, as an adult is; Brandi Carlile’s – The Story. The first line in the song goes, “All of these lines across my face tell you the story of who I am”.
Well, let me tell you my face is pretty smooth, so you have to read between the lines. Ha! But how true that when I see myself in the mirror I fell bad for all the crap I put myself through.
“Because even when I was flat broke you made me feel like a million bucks”… That line I say to God. Even when things seemed at their worst, he was there and made things better. Somehow!
“And all of my friends who think that I’m blessed they don’t know my head is a mess”… I wonder if my family and friends really will ever know what a ride my life has been.
There is drugs, alcohol, shady activities, shady friends, anonymous sex, sex for pay, long nights and lost days. I wonder if when they look at my face the story is there?
“So many stories of where I’ve been and how I got to where I am”… That is towards the end of the song and let me tell you it’s the best part of the song and my life. Cause I have to look at where I am now.
I like the new chapters that are written on my face
So I got to go to the movies today and watched, you guessed it, “Eat Pray Love”. The tale of a woman caught in a relationship that is not fulfilling with a man that doesn’t know his way through life.
She decides to venture overseas and find herself. Through the help of good food in Italy, prayer in India, and love in Bali she realizes that it has to start with self-love… And 20 pounds extra.
This is something that I have stated several times to friends, no I didn’t record it or have proof, but I said it. It has to start with me, for me, by me.
If I don’t like myself why should anyone else? If I can’t stand to be alone how dare I ask anyone else to spend time with me? More important if I can’t love myself… You get the point… Right?
So for those of us that can’t spend the money to go on a year journey around the world, here is what I did. A big bowl of pasta with some tomato sauce. This will make you so full that you will take a nap and get to spend some time with yourself.
Pray everyday, not just in the morning but whenever you feel the need. But not just for you pass it around. Everyone needs a little help in the prayer department, God’s lines don’t get blocked.
Love… Now that’s the hard one, start with ‘I love you’ to the man in the mirror (me channeling Michael Jackson). Take yourself out on a date, and if you’re lucky you can feel yourself-up at the end of the night, my favorite part!!!
When you start producing all this positive energy you will attract positive people and then, I almost guarantee it, you will start to be happy… Hey, it worked for me and now for Julia Roberts.
I have invested in Pre-Paid Legal, it’s made me some money. Invested in acting classes, it’s gotten me some work. Invested in clothes for work, it made look professional and got me more work.
Now I’m investing in my friends. Yeah, I was nice to my friends before. Well, kinda… When I was using & drinking it was a different kind of investment. I wanted to make sure I got invited to parties.
Then I came into Recovery and didn’t have nasty thought to share, I was that poor. I started working more and made enough to carry me, almost. Then made a little more, enough for a burger out.
Yeah, there was a time when In-N-Out Burgers once a month was a treat. I would cut it in half and make two meals out of it.
I’m not talking about financial investment in people, not like a pimp or slavery. Spiritual investment, the pay-it-forward kind. Someone did for me when they could, now I do for you cause I can.
Try it… It makes a meal so much more special and the laughs last longer. The return on that are great memories. If you need a broker let me know.
There was a time in my life when I did things with full consideration of my family and friends. The partner I was with, my boss. I wasn’t happy because it wasn’t what I wanted to do, good or bad.
God came into my life and reminded me that it’s my life and only he can judge it, edit it, rewrite it. He has full directorial control. He hires the actors that join in me and fires the unwanted ones.
I believe that now, I feel it in my heart, I trust it. I must do things that will make me happy in the end. Because in the end I can trust Him and me. Everyone else has their own lives to live.
I guess that’s why rich or poor, alone or in a crowded room, I am happy!
So I don’t think that folks are interested in what I might have to say. I know I don’t always want to listen to me. I’m predictable in my spontaneity.
I met someone on-line today and it felt really good to have a nice conversation without feeling pressured or rushed. Like I had to prove something.
We made a date for next Tuesday for dinner and I”m excited. I don’t want to have any negative thoughts about it. We can go to dinner and a movie and have a great time.
This is a turning point and I will keep you posted.