Archive for June, 2010
One of the first things you learn in Recovery is that the world does not revolve around you. You are not the center of the Universe. Put yourself in the other person’s place. Underneath the anger is fear. Fear makes us react in weird ways. Never speak when you are scared.
Well, that was more true this weekend. I recently made friends with someone I heard speak about 2 years ago in San Francisco. His story really inspired me and motivated me to continue with my Recovery. I found him on Facebook through a mutual friend.
We laughed and he was so fun. We talked and he made me think. We joked and it felt so natural. But then Monday came and I was out celebrating my 3rd AA birthday. He was persistent that I go and take a cake at a meeting. I didn’t want to, but was willing to go for him.
Well, my day got long and time ran out and it was cutting it short. I failed to call and check in or give my ETA. He didn’t like the idea that I didn’t call and felt that I treated him badly. That no friend treats another that way and therefore I was not a friend.
The last text read, “Fuck Off!”. So I did. Now I feel broken, there is something missing in the day. But does it really surprise me that he got so mad. I saw it coming on Saturday when I was also running late and he exploded. Pattern, maybe. But on who’s side?
I have thought myself as a giving, punctual, responsible person. In this case and with the same person it happened twice that I was not. And this time it backfired. And it hurts! Now I lost my friend and some self-esteem. Is that part natural?
I still think that I apologized to the best of my ability and things did not have to go that far. But if all is for a reason then maybe it was time to loose this friend. Maybe I would lose my Recovery time or he would. Maybe we would end up hurting each other.
Maybe we will meet again. I don’t know. I just know that right now, at this moment, as I’m writing… I’m hurting and hurts like hell!!!
My third AA birthday is just around the corner, today is Saturday and it’s on Monday. I find myself have some Chamomile tea and listening to the ‘Romances’ channel on my TV. There are songs that I know and some new surprises. They are all romantic and sad and happy and…
On the verge of hitting a milestone in my life. I have not been sober for 3 years since I started drinking. I started drinking when I was about 15. I mean professionally, not like my dad gave me a beer at a party or a sip of champagne on New Years.
I started my career as a professional drinker at 15 and didn’t really look back. I had artistic friends, older lovers, a fridge at home with liquor, a party to go to… You get the point. Always alcohol around. No wonder my mind was clouded for so long.
Do the math, I’m 39 now, minus 15 when I started drinking… Pencils down… 24 years drinking… It makes me cry and very sad as I type that. How could I have been so cruel to that kid of 15. He didn’t stand a chance against the elements. I pushed him into the lions den, locked it, and walked away.
How could he take care of himself? Is there any wonder relationships were so tarnished and love was misunderstood. I allowed folks to take advantage of him and push him around. His innocence was offered to the gods before he had a chance to enjoy it.
I have to apologize to Me… I’m sorry that I didn’t know any better and allowed you to drink. I’m sorry that I convinced you that love would be found in a bar, at a bottom of a glass, when the bottles were empty. I’m sorry that I allowed men with low scruples abuse you.
You just wanted someone to understand you and love you and explain the world. You got drunks and sex and loneliness and tears and hurt. All the hurt your young heart had to go through. I’m sorry. But now you have a chance to find it.
Don’t think that your whole life will have to live by those standards. You have a chance now to show yourself how much love there is out there. More important how much love there is within you. How much you have to give. That the person receiving it is fortunate to be there.
I’m sorry, kid… I’m so sorry.
So when I was drinking Friday nights signaled the start of the weekend and a chance to get crazy. Now I have to be honest for me everyday was a party day. I worked in a restaurant and worked weekends so I made my Tuesday my Friday. Which made pretty much the whole week a weekend… Following?
It would start with a couple of drinks at home. Usually some kinda liquor. I had tequila or whiskey. Wild Turkey was my drink & 7… Wow, 3 of those and I felt free, more like 3 shots of whiskey with the shot of 7… There was no stopping me then.
Then it was off to the bar. I had my favorite bartenders, you know the ones that served the strongest drinks. The ones you could buy a shot and they would hook you up for the rest of the night. Mine was Danny at JR’s Bar & Grill in Houston, Texas.
Danny was a good friend/bartender, I had been going to him for years. He saw me through several relationships; One night, one week, one month. All soul mates and all got approval from Danny. He also saw me make a fool of myself and show up really high.
But despite everything he never kicked me out and always told me everything I did the next day. He would hold my credit card when I left it behind. Even remembered names of the guys I kissed for the night and forgot about the next day.
Needles to say I was a bar fly and the life of the party. But now 3 years later I’m home on a Friday night making dinner and writing on my blog, which no one has read. I think… Why is it that I find it so hard to go and have a great time sober?
Like Superman and Kriptonite, I stay away from bars. Which keeps me away from meeting people. Which keeps me away from Gay people. Which keeps me away from meeting a guy to go out with. Which brings me back to sitting home on a Friday night writing.
Doesn’t take a scientist to figure out where this tragic story is going. Maybe I’ll be single for a long time or maybe I’ll meet someone at work. Or maybe… And work with me here… Maybe he’ll come knocking at my door after reading my blog and seeing how lonely I am… Maybe.
For now know that there are some downfalls to being Sober. Loneliness is a side effect and you should be ready for it. Like I forgot how to have fun without drinking. I threw it away with the empty bottle of tequila. Or like Thanksgiving, when I finished the Turkey I fell asleep… Or at least the fun did!
I have learned in AA that you have to start by assessing the similarities. With this you can develop trust and with trust honesty and with honesty all walls can be broken. I had to be honest with myself first in order to be honest with those around me. Trust me I have a hard time with that one.
So here goes… I was born on December 26, 1970 in Monterrey, Nuevo Leon, Mexico. My mother is Mexican and my father American. I only remember my paternal-grandfather. My maternal-grandmother died when my mother was very young. She was raised by members of the family.
My paternal-grandparents died before I was 2 years old. I don’t remember much about them other than the fact that they lived across the street from a candy stand. They would sell these yummy red lollipops that I remember eating. You can only find them in Mexico and to this date I love them!
I have 2 older sisters; the oldest 21 years older than me. The younger is 9 years older. Why is this odd? Because most of my aunts and uncles have large families, we didn’t. One uncle blames it on the fact that my parents had a TV early on. Honestly my father traveled for work a lot.
I am the baby and the only male. I think there are a lot of expectations placed on a child with those titles. I don’t think my father expected too much other than me being a man with a family and a good job. Better life than he had and not bust my hump. I still feel like I fell short.
My dad is someone to look up to, in some ways. Has he been the best? Well, no, but he did the best he could and I’m grateful. Now. Years ago I still blamed him for everything… Even Global Warming! But I have learned to recognize his limitations and how they affected me.
My mother is and for ever will be my hero. She worked hard and blamed herself for a lot of the things that her kids went through. She fought hard to not enjoy life too much so that the disappointment wasn’t so great. Think about it loosing your mom early in life.
She taught me about hard work and guilt. He we are a Hispanic-Catholic family. Pretty much synonymous with guilt. But she also taught me how to accept things for what they are. How to limit my dreams. How to handle my dad. Deal with my sisters. Be a man.
My sisters are very different. 9 kids between the 2 and I saw most of them grow-up. Heck I changed the diapers on some of them. Played with most of them and felt like a big brother to the older 3. They never called me ‘uncle’. Yeah, sometimes it bothered me.
But it was babysitting them early on in life that made me want kids. A feeling I still have. I’ll be 40 this year and I want a child. Someone need to find the remote, right? I want to teach him/her everything I learned in life and, yeah okay, get the remote!
So there you have the basics of me. I’ll go through the formative years and how they affected who I am now. All of it, no holding back. Relationships, drugs, alcohol, sex… Really, all of it. So I leave you for now with this. ‘I didn’t pick my family and I wouldn’t trade them. The crazy of them is making me sane today!’
This is the first blog posting. I have been blessed with many things in life; great friends, an interesting family, great jobs, life experiences, God, Recovery and Acting… Wow?!?!
Yes, my life has been a roller coaster of adventure. I hope I can help someone by just sharing my experience.