Archive for the ‘Religion’ Category
How are you? I don’t write much mainly because every time I start to I start to cry. Some how saying I miss you seems so small. The words seem insignificant. I need you is more appropriate. I feel like I missed out on so much time with you. I feel cheated.
About the time that I started making better memories for myself, you started to forget yours. Almost makes me want to laugh and get mad all at the same time. For a moment I forget that God has a plan and that we are part of it. That he is not doing anything to punish us, but it feels that way.
I wish you could see how happy I am in my own skin now. How my work makes me so happy and how proud those around me are. How all my new friends have never seen me have a drink, do drugs, or even smoke. If they only knew how you and I would sit and have coffee and a cigarette together.
I hold and cherish the moments that we had together. The conversations that were just between you and I. The secrets that you are taking with you. The fears that I had when I was sick, the ones you had when you were. How we would hold and comfort each other.
I often wonder what you are thinking. If you think of me. I do. I think about you all the time and there are times when I want to pick up the phone and hear your raspy voice telling me that everything is going to be okay. Asking the same questions, “Are you eating?”, “Are you taking care of yourself?”
Yes and yes, just in case you are wondering now. What are you wondering?
I love you and miss you, there we go, can’t stop saying it. I miss you. So I’ll ask God to take care of you.
I went to church today. Not that is too hard to believe, I was raised Catholic and I’ve always enjoyed church. Yeah, I fought my parents growing up, but once I got older.
Then I understood the pageantry that went into it. The discipline, the coordination, the ritual. All made it comfortable, recognizable… Made it home.
Especially during the years where drugs & alcohol were a big part of my life I always had church. Especially when communion came around, that was my favorite part.
At that moment God told me that all my sins were forgiven. That everything I did that week was erased and I could start again. Sounds wrong, I know.
The tears would start flowing, not just small cry, large tears and snot and all. That was the part that made feel like God was really listening to me, regardless.
So today when I was in church and communion started, yep, I started crying. My friend thought I was really feeling the Spirit. I guess I was, but not for the reason he thought.
I was home.