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Archive for the ‘God’ Category

Fear…

It’s easy to keep making excuses why we don’t want to do something. It’s easy to come up with different reasons why we don’t want to something. It’s easy to create stories why we don’t want to something. But the fact is that they are all excuses, reasons, and stories.

The reality of why we don’t is usually quite simple and non-complicated. The reality of why we don’t pursue options, take adventures, just jump usually falls under one answer. Usually can be labeled by one word: FEAR!

Fear can keep us from love. Fear can keep us from relationships. Fear is strong enough to keep us from taking that job we always wanted or going on the vacation we have been dreaming of. Fear is weaker than LOVE but sneakier.

Fear makes moving on, moving forward, and moving past it a hard move. Fear can bring down a person, a home, a country, the world. Fear can corrupt every logical thought with doubt, angst, and sorrow. Fear has that kind of power.

Fear, my friends, can keep you safe, guarded, and secure. Fear is a great body guard and keeper but a horrible counselor or therapist. Fear makes ice cream taste better on a lonely Saturday night and sad movies even sadder.

Fear to conclude this story is the reason I haven’t said I love you. Why I haven’t been open enough. Fear is the reason I pull back and why think I’m really strong. Fear is why ‘This’ is never good enough and I’m always searching for more.

So I’m slowly breaking that relationship, slowly I’m letting go the word. Slowly I’m growing into my own and taking ownership of my world. Slowly I’m standing firm and can only move forward. Slowly, with fear there is no other way!

Grant Me The Serenity…

When you sober up you never really know if, other than you, its going to help anyone else. Where or how is it appropriate to share your story other than in a group setting. Who really cares what you did in your life, other than the fellows in an AA group… Do you?

Then you meet someone who is dealing with a person that is living in their addiction and you start to recognize the person in the conversation. Sounds very familiar, the words, the actions, the reactions. It’s you, well another you, and you think or assume you know exactly how to subdue this person, this you.

Then your stories take on a whole new meaning, your stories make sense, they matter. Because now all those experiences that you went through in your addiction can help someone who is dealing with someone who is living in addiction. You are like a spy.

You are the 007 for drug and alcohol abuse. You can offer an insight that few people have. You feel for the addict and you feel for the other person. Then all those stories, all those lonely nights all those tears and heart breaks. All those shots and hits they are finally worth it!

You are helping, your drug filled, liquor fueled life has some worth. I know it was worth it before, but other addicts will get this… FOR THIS MOMENT IT WAS WORTH IT…. Right? The moment when being an addict makes all the difference in the world and you can actually help someone!!!

God grant me the Serenity…

Hold On For One More Day…

Went to the movies with my good friend Eric. We watched “Bridesmaids”. Very funny story and great comedic acting. Really enjoyed it and to top it at the end the group Wilson Phillips came out and sang. It was a wedding scene and they sang “Hold On”. Big 80’s hit!

Why do lock yourself up in these chains?
No one can change your life except for you

It was so easy to do that when I was in my addiction. Lock myself up and expect someone to come and save me. Always looking for a prince charming. Not even realizing that the only one that had the key to escape was me. Luckily there is always God to give a hand.

Don’t you know things can change
Things’ll go your way
If you hold on for one more day

I’m glad I held on and never lost hope and things got better. Just like the videos that are making the rounds but for adults and with a drinking or drug problem. Hold on it gets better. Things are going my way and sometimes it’s scary. Sometimes I think its scarier to come out of the fog than to be in it.

You’ve got no one to blame for your unhappiness
You got yourself into your own mess
Lettin’ your worries pass you by
Don’t you think it’s worth your time
To change your mind?

I finally changed my mind and started fighting for my life. I had to want it more than those around me. Not easy to do when you have felt like a loser all your life. Not easy to see a winner in the mirror when you don’t know what it looks like. Or at least that’s the idea I had.

There was always a winner I just hadn’t acknowledged him. I had to hold on and let the pain carry me to the end, to cross the finish line, to get to the end of the tunnel. Because someday somebody is gonna make me wanna turn around and hold them tight and know that I am loved.

If  I hold on, hold on for one more day!!!

A Special Someone…

I want to acknowledge my friends. This is dedicated to all those folks in my life that help put me together. You’ve heard that it takes a village to raise a child. I’m that child. I couldn’t have made it this far in life without my friends. Thank God that he is wise and chose the right ones.

Oh but trust me there have been some bad apples in the mix. There are some ‘friends’ that have made this journey harder than it had to be. But I made the decision to stick around and see where it would take me. Or I thought I could save them or change them or… I don’t know what I was thinking!

But now I have friends that fit and fill every aspect of my life. I have a great friend Gini that I can talk about self-empowerment, self-esteem issues. Sexual frustration and relationships. Visualization and projection. She is so about making a better life we can talk for hours, laugh and cry.

Loren, Gini’s husband, is a director and I can talk hours about a project or a scene. He is the perfect person to talk shop with. Such a creative mind and humble. There are so many things that I’ve learned from him that help in my writing and acting.

Eric, is my fun buddy, he is the reason I got my Disney pass. He is just fun to be around. Always has a smart-ass remark to match mine. A song and a smile. Hanging out with him at Disney is so fun especially waiting in line. We seem to always put on a show for the other folks waiting in line.

Then I have friends that fit my Spirituality, Roger and Michelle, she is new in my life. They both understand what it feels to be able to tap into something beyond what you see around you. How our senses and feelings play such an important part of our lives.

Not that I can’t share more than that with each one just each one fits a certain need in my life and I’m grateful for that. I hope I meet some need for them. The only one that is missing is my romantic relationship. I don’t need a partner I want a partner, very different.

Someone that fits into every part of my needs without feeling overwhelmed that he has to fill all of it all the time. What a responsibility for a person, right? Plus there is always the nookie… I am human and need some nookie. But I want and need an equal partner.

You carry me I carry you. You scratch my back I scratch yours. I make dinner you wash dishes. I hold the remote you hold me… Okay so I’m pushing it with that one. (insert roaring laugh here). I guess what I’m trying to say is that I feel very blessed with the folks in my life.

The Universe has put together a wonderful group of friends for me, my adoptive-family. I feel alive around them. Now I want to share them with a very special someone.

Luckiest Man In The World…

I know that we have all said that at one point in our lives. Well if you are female you are the luckiest woman in the world but you get my point. Sure sounds more uplifting that saying your the worlds Unluckiest. People sure want to be around you more when things are good.

Today was one of those days when I felt so connected, so in the now, so present, and so very proud to be me. I honestly felt like I have earned this spot in the Universe and that the Universe agreed with me. Does that make sense? Have you stood and said, “I deserve this!!!”

As a young Gay man who wasn’t very good as sports and threw like a girl (no offense to girls that can throw a ball). It was a dream come true to be standing on the mound of Dodger’s stadium and throw that first ball. I was escorted on to the center of the diamond and as I looked around I just about tinkled in my pants!

To see the crowd around cheering and clapping I felt like the most important person in the world. I had arrived. I was telling that little Gay boy inside me that non of it mattered, that things had gotten better. That even if I threw like a girl I was doing something other guys would pay for.

So the twist… I was in a costume!

I was dressed as Tony the Tiger for  a promotion… (insert wild laugh here)… So Tony was getting all the attention but I was there to enjoy it with him. Everyone wanted a photo with Tony and the camera was following me around and there was escorts and special trucks and a driver!

So while I was looking through the netting in the mask and looking at all the folks in the stands I let the Universe know that I was present in the moment, that I was letting Tony the Tiger have this one. But I want my moment. I want Daniel Garza to have his moment.

I felt like I was doing a drug for the first time and as I felt the bolt of electricity go through my body and feel my veins with that amount of happiness I wanted it again. I want more. I want to feel the roar of the crowd and hear the claps. Claps so loud that they drown out all negative thoughts in my head.

Everyone should have a moment on the mound. Everyone should get a chance to throw that first pitch. Maybe not literally but maybe in a Spiritual way. Step up to your mound and throw the ball. It maybe a negative thought, a fear, a resentment. Just throw it away!

Then sit back and hear the applause of the people, your Guardian Angel, your spirit. Or clap for yourself and then tell me that didn’t feel amazing. Like you can kick ass and no one can stop you. I dare you to not feel like you are… Well… The luckiest man/woman in the world!!!

 

Dreams…

I feel so embarrassed that I had not written anything here for so long. I miss writing my thoughts and rants, just other things got in the way and I wasn’t really up to it. I keep waking up after a long dream and thought it would make a great blog entry, but then I would get busy and forget.

I will try not to take so long in coming back, it’s my therapy and I let it go to waste. This morning I woke from a very sad dream, odd and depressing for me. I had a dream about my Mom. I don’t write about her much, mainly because it hurts to do so. I love my Mom.

I don’t get to see her often or talk to her, and that breaks my heart. A lot of what I do is with her in mind. Her voice still echoes in my head when I make a decision to do something. Not the same voice that ran around when I was using or drinking.

I always wonder what a person who has Alzheimer’s thinks, if anything. What does it feel to not know what’s really going on? Are they are aware that they don’t always make sense, are they aware that they may be a couple of conversations behind?

You see I knew it was coming several years ago, after having some really great conversations and then finding myself having them again. Only to realize that she truly didn’t remember. The hard part was having to leave and head back to my home. I should have done more.

So about this dream, we were in what looked like my sister’s house in Mexico. It has a big gate that covers the drive way. Closed-up from floor to ceiling, really no way in or out. My Mom was sweeping the side walk and street and I could see her walking around.

One of my Mom’s past times is cleaning and I knew she was okay. Suddenly I see her running around for some reason she had taken off her pants and was running towards the street, crying and wet. I ran after her and tried to calm her down, but she was so sad.

I could see in my dream that she had this need to escape and run and be free and I wasn’t letting her go. I didn’t know what to do and in my dream I was crying and getting frustrated not understanding what she wanted or needed. Not knowing if I could do anything for her.

I woke-up scared and agitated and decided it was time to write again. Then I sat up and started thinking of the significance of the dream, if any. Does she really feel that way? Does she feel like she is being punished and locked up in her mind?

Research, doctors, specialist, they can say what they want about it, but they don’t have it. Like a man trying to tell you what it feels like to be pregnant. You may know the details but will never have the experience. Only my Mother can tell me what it’s like to be her.

I love you Mom, very much. My sacrifice is in an effort to provide better for you. God only knows if I will succeed in my career in time to see you and be with you. There are no more conversations and when you look at me, I wonder what you see.

In All My Affairs…

When you live in the world of alcoholism and drug abuse as long as I did there are certain things that you don’t have on your priority list. Traveling, parties, shopping sprees, you just learn to do without. There are more important things on your ‘To-Do’ list.

Then you clean-up, sober-up, shape-up and you realize that there are so many things that you want to do. Now that your brain is clean and clear your list changes. The  things is that some things may have been neglected and it’s gonna cost more time and money to fix them.

I’m there now and I’m scared. Not, ‘I’m running out of time and the bomb will explode’ scared. More, ‘This is my first time on this roller coaster and I don’t know what’s gonna happen’ scared. Does that even make sense? It does in my head so work with me!

Too all of you out there that are on a path of Recovery and still younger than me. It works out, in the end it always does. To those of you older than me, tell me it works out and that it always does.

I would like to go sit at a bar and have a cocktail and pretend that I’m thinking about a way out of this one. The only thing I would be doing is digging myself in tighter into a hole that’s too small for me now. How so? Well, I’m not that scared anymore.

I’ve discovered what a beauty Recovery is for me. I say “For Me”, because it’s not for everyone. So I’m gonna take what I’ve learned in Recovery and use it in all my affairs!

Do As Much As I Can…

I have this vision that God has our names on sand clocks. Each one with a different amount of sand. All of them falling and counting down our time on Earth. When all the sand is gone we pass away. Our death may be peaceful and long or dramatic and fast.

For some time now I feel like I’ve run out of sand but somehow no one has noticed. Which of course is silly because God knows everything. Or maybe my Guardian Angel has some pull in Heaven and got me some extra time to do… Well, I don’t know what but do something.

Am I the only one that thinks that? It can be… I know for sure that more than one person in the world has the same idea. Surely you must ponder on how the God, The Universe, Allah, Buddha, or whomever you pray to determines who lives longer and who dies.

Why does this come up as a topic today, well, because I had this urgency to see as many people as I could and make it home in time to beat traffic. I got to see 5 people without thinking. I noticed more folks that I know. Made it past the traffic just before rush hour.

I don’t know what one thing has to do with another, but I just feel like the sand is running  out, if it hasn’t yet and I need to get things done. If something should happen to me at least you know that I am ready. If it turns out that it’s just indigestion, well forget this post.

I just know that 2011 has so much promise, I owe my self the opportunity to do as much as I can!!!

Sharing Blesses Me…

I had a friend stay over for a couple of days. Let me say that we were nothing more than colleagues in the film business, Facebook friends, have many mutual friends, and had spoken twice before in person. But he wanted to visit Southern California so he came over.

The energy that  filled my home was amazing. I didn’t realize how great it feels to share your home. No matter how humble or rich you are, sharing is sharing, no matter how you cut it… Pardon the pun. But when I came home last night and he was gone. I felt it.

It was almost like the aftershock of an earthquake, if you’ve been through one you know what I mean. It is a lot calmer but you still feel it. That is what it was in my home last night. It was calm but I could still feel his energy running through the house.

I missed it when, after being home for a couple of hours, all went back to normal. I will honestly say that I was sad for a moment. Not sure what I was sad about. Again we weren’t that great of friends when he got here. There was really no history to speak of. But I missed him or the presence of someone?

Now after sharing some adventures and meals we have, I hope we have a bond. We talked about loves found and lost, goals and dream, wins and losses. There were big laughs and comfortable silences driving in my car with the top down enjoy the California sun.

As we stood on the boardwalk looking into the Pacific Ocean looking at the skies turning different colors I realized that those moments are so much better with company. Now it’s time to make that company permanent. I am on a mission to find a partner to share with.

So I need to thank my friend, Bardia Mattin, for visiting me and opening my eyes to that fact that sharing the simple things in life is what it’s all about. I’ve had other visitors but this, for some reason, was when I got the message. God was ready for me to hear it.

The message is, “Sharing blesses me!!!”

The Time of My Life…

Time of My Life from the movie \’Dirty Dancing\’

Please feel free to play the video while you read. This is the song that inspired today’s writing. See I had a little procedure done earlier this week it has kept me home and playing on my computer quite a bit, watching a lot of TV. As I’m playing with YouTube I found the song.

So I started wondering, ‘Have I had the time of my life?’

Yes, I have. I’ll be 40 this year and I have lived through some very amazing things in my life. Sickness, addiction, alcoholism, broken heart, broken relationships, moves, changes. I know that all sounds very negative and is that really the best in life… NO!

Along with all the hurt have come some really extraordinary things, big word, I know. My first love was amazing; it made me grow-up and face the world. It made me face my fears and look loneliness in the face. It taught me about sharing a space with someone else.

Being sick and in the hospital in 2000, months shy of turning 30. Very scary time, didn’t know if I was going to walk out. You get the idea when family you haven’t seen in a while come to see you at the hospital… Yikes! I don’t think the doctors had any hope.

I walked out of there with a cane and just grasping for the next day. So when in 2008 I was able to be on stage dancing to 80’s music for the Gay Men’s Chorus of Houston it was magical. A personal triumph after years of not knowing where my life was going.

Recovery came at just the right time, doesn’t it always. I was a mess, drugs and alcohol had taken over every aspect of my life. Lost my car and apartment, my self-respect and self-esteem. My will to go on was based on my next drink and hit… Sad I know.

Wait now, because from there came serenity, a new take on the world. A higher connection to my Higher Power. Inner calm, if you don’t have it… GET IT!!! The realization that everything has it’s time and place and I’m exactly where I’m supposed to be.  That was the tough one.

I know that from your end you probably are thinking this doesn’t seem all that great. But when you have been stuck in a mental hole for close to 20 years and someone opens it up and shows you what’s out there… WOW!!! I’ll go into it more in future writings.

For now just know that I’ve had the time of my life!!!