Archive for the ‘Friends’ Category
It’s easy to keep making excuses why we don’t want to do something. It’s easy to come up with different reasons why we don’t want to something. It’s easy to create stories why we don’t want to something. But the fact is that they are all excuses, reasons, and stories.
The reality of why we don’t is usually quite simple and non-complicated. The reality of why we don’t pursue options, take adventures, just jump usually falls under one answer. Usually can be labeled by one word: FEAR!
Fear can keep us from love. Fear can keep us from relationships. Fear is strong enough to keep us from taking that job we always wanted or going on the vacation we have been dreaming of. Fear is weaker than LOVE but sneakier.
Fear makes moving on, moving forward, and moving past it a hard move. Fear can bring down a person, a home, a country, the world. Fear can corrupt every logical thought with doubt, angst, and sorrow. Fear has that kind of power.
Fear, my friends, can keep you safe, guarded, and secure. Fear is a great body guard and keeper but a horrible counselor or therapist. Fear makes ice cream taste better on a lonely Saturday night and sad movies even sadder.
Fear to conclude this story is the reason I haven’t said I love you. Why I haven’t been open enough. Fear is the reason I pull back and why think I’m really strong. Fear is why ‘This’ is never good enough and I’m always searching for more.
So I’m slowly breaking that relationship, slowly I’m letting go the word. Slowly I’m growing into my own and taking ownership of my world. Slowly I’m standing firm and can only move forward. Slowly, with fear there is no other way!
My trips to see my family usually start the same way; I go on a 2 week long agonizing stress diet. All I do is stress over what’s going to happen and what people are going to say. I stress over the trip, the flight, the whole thing!
I write monologues: because I’m such a psychic and I know exactly what everyone is going to say that I have the whole trip scripted. Everyone should get a copy by the time I get there and be ready to reply to my lines.
I have entrance and exit cues: because I have people that I want to see and have time limits. You can only take some folks for so long and others you want to see as much as you can. Plus they should have their schedule cleared for my visit.
Food; I have favorite foods that you can only enjoy in South Texas and I expect everyone to have kept themselves from those places so that they will want to eat there with as much excitement as I have. Starve for a year if you have to.
If possible get in touch with my friends back home and get updated on the latest inside jokes so that when I make a comment you will laugh at just the right time (please refer to the above paragraph and get your script).
Get caught up on what’s going on in my life so that I don’t have to tell you long stories and bore you with the details. Because if you know me, I remember all the details, you are my Facebook friend you should stay in touch!
Of course this is more of a wish list than actually happens on my trips. Things never turn out exactly the way I want them to. Folks just don’t follow the rules. But I’m glad that they don’t because they always turn out better.
My life is so full of surprises and my family is part of that. They teach me so many new things, they have interesting new things that weren’t there last year, and they treat me like time hasn’t passed, like I never left.
There is something magical in my mother’s eyes, in my father’s voice, in the laughter and the tears. The aroma of my sister’s cooking and the even the soap she washes her sheets in. I swear I even miss the cigarette smell.
But now I can share special moment with my nephews as adults. Now I can tell them about my dreams and goals. Now they don’t want to be cowboys and ballerinas they have real jobs and even children, careers and lives.
So now that the trip home is coming up and I get ready to say good bye I’m glad things didn’t turn out the way I wanted. I’m glad I get surprised cause it makes me excited for next year. I’ll still get stressed before the trip.
There is something about a hug that makes everything feel better and there is a hug and then there is a HUG. You hug a friend, your dog, your pillow. You hug your mom and dad, your brothers and sisters. Hug the aunt you don’t see often and then you hug your grandma.
But when your heart is sad and a tear is lingering in your eye there is only the hug from that special someone that makes it feel all okay. There is the heart that comes with a long passionate kiss that melts the pain away and lets you see the light at the end of the tunnel brighter.
Its the hug from that person that makes a celebration much happier and a birthday wish come true. It makes a promotion seem like the Nobel prize and winning lottery ticket like being assigned to the presidency. Take-out like a gourmet meal prepared by four star chef.
Its that hug that feels your body with warmth and makes your head spin, your knees weak and your toes tingle. Your heart skip a beat and your ears ring. That hug that makes your arms longer, long enough to wrap yourself and that special person two times over.
Its the hug that keeps you from collapsing from pain and holds you up to take on the challenge of the next day. The hug that seems to squeeze all the tears from your body and drains the pain from your soul. The hug that burns when its saying good bye.
The good-bye hug that says I don’t love you anymore or the can we just be friends hug. The I wish I could give you more hug or this just isn’t enough for me hug. The if only you were available hug or if I were single hug. That hug that feels so right and so wrong.
Whichever hug you get sometimes its just nice to be able to have someone to hug.
I have been playing by the rules for over 4 years now or as close to it as I can. Keeping myself out of trouble, keeping my connection with my Higher Power, calling my Sponsor, a tight support group, changing my behaviors. Everything, or as close to it, as I can and it has kept me Clean & Sober.
I’m not really complaining, well maybe a little, but every once in a while, I want to be wild again. I want to be a little reckless and irresponsible. Forget about everything and everyone and satisfy my need for danger without being concerned for anyone. Like I was born to be wild!!!
Then I look at everything that I have accomplished in the last 4 years and I run back into the hole that I feel I’m in. I sometimes wonder is it love of Recovery or the fear of relapse that keep me in that hole. Either way I feel that I’m missing out on something, despite everything that I have accomplished.
I see my friends living out their lives being open about their sexuality, going to parties, enjoying people. I set limits and standards, I avoid to much socializing, and few people at a time. I don’t think folks would know that about me. From the outside looking in I seem right there with everyone else.
I often wonder, okay I wonder a lot, am I the only one, I’m sure not, that steps out of themselves and looks back in to analyze and review their lives. I see me sitting there on the weekend typing away, writing in my blogs (like now) or watching another show on my DVR or eating.
And I ask Sober Daniel , cause I often have conversations with myself, I ask, “What are you doing?”. And Responsible Daniel answers, “Staying home, being a good boy, waiting for a good person to date.” and Sober Daniel responds to that. “You will never find true love behind a computer you need to get out there… Now get out there!!!”
So we hug, cause in my mind Sober Daniel and Responsible Daniel are very real, we hug and we cry a little, we encourage and support each other, we laugh and we make future plans, we visualize and thank God and the Universe for all the gifts and then we all go back to eating, writing, and watching TV.
Really what changes? What has changed? Don’t be alarmed I’m not letting any of the Daniels relapse, fall off, or get down. We just ask that question a lot in our support group. When all the Daniels come together we ask, “What has changed?”
Okay so this is really not an excuse but more of a fact. I was raised in the 70’s and television was a great babysitter. My parents would take a nap and I would sit and do my homework. To this date my favorite shows are Sid & Kroft shows and The Muppets, I could watch for hours.
I can still do that, sit and watch TV for hours and I still like those shows and competition shows. “Project Runway”, “Top Chef”, “Master Chef” and anything that brings people to compete and live in the same house. GENIUS, there is so much energy and fighting and arguing!!!
There is always one, usually the most aggressive, that will say, “I’m not here to make friends”. Really, you don’t think that at some point you will cross paths with these folks again. You really think that through your whole career you will never need them… Really?
Of course later on in the show they always have an ‘AHA’ moment and they are best buddies with one of them. There are tears and hugs and ‘I’ll call you’. Then we see them at the reunion show and they are back to their cocky, phony, annoying personality.
Well, it got me to think what if I had that attitude about life. ‘I’M NOT HERE TO MAKE FRIENDS” What if I attempted to go through life not counting on anyone or needing anyone or wanting anyone around? Well, probably I would not write because there would no one to read it… Right?
I have said many times, “It takes a village to put me together” and I mean it. I have amazing friends that keep me in check. Even when they don’t realize that they are doing it, they really ground me. I would start a list of names but I’m sure I would miss someone.
Thank you to all my friends because when it comes to the reality show that is my life… I am here to make friends.
Just for fun I multiplied my age 40 times 365 days in a year and came up with 14,600 so that’s how many days I’ve been alive, give or take a couple of months. Okay so if I round it out to 41 that is 14,965 days I will be alive on my next birthday. That’s not all I was thinking.
I wondered if I met one person a day that would be 14,965 people. Then I was looking at my Facebook page and saw that I have 1,944 friends add that up and its 16,909 people . So safe to say that among all those friends there is someone that fills in a void that the other can’t.
Okay, I’ll agree I don’t know them all personally but I probably have at least one degree of separation. I’m sure one of my friends is really close to Bob Eubanks and one day we’ll meet for coffee and a cookie and talk about the weather and where we are going on vacation next year… We can!
Really what this post is about how folks come into your life for what you think is one reason and the surprise is that that they bring a whole wheel barrel of gifts with them. I met a lady at the grocery store line who has connections that came lift my career to a new level.
I met a guy on-line thinking he was just another pretty face and actually has offered to help me in any way possible. I just wanted a coffee date and he offered more than dessert. Just never know till you tell folks what your are up to. It’s no secret that I want my short film to succeed.
So I’ll put it here in case anyone is interested. I have a short film that I’m raising funds for. For lights, food, equipment. Anything that will make this film better than it could be. I wrote it and am acting in it, so if you know my work this will be a reflection of me.
If you like my writing this short film will follow my style and if you know my life story this will have some of it in it. I cried the last time I read it and I wrote it… So there you go. Today is one of those “You just don’t know” days…
I finally made it to Vegas and the best thing I can say so far is, I like the room. This wasn’t the way I thought my first trip would be, I’m not sure what I thought. I guess maybe with a group of friends where I would get lost and meet some millionaire, fall in love and move to New York.
Maybe with someone special, but then again I am with someone special. My friend Gini is one of the best folks to hang out with. She gets me and we have some great conversations. She is someone that always seems excited to see me and me her. We even like some of the same music and that is really good on a road trip.
I also connected with a cousin I had not seen in a long time, thank you Facebook. She seemed very excited to find me. Gave me her new number and wants me to visit next time I’m back in Houston. That was a surprise since we weren’t ever that close. But I’m always willing to take things at face value.
I wonder why, sometimes, folks seem excited to see me. Don’t they know what a looser I am. How out of touch I can be and how most of the time I don’t know what I’m doing. I am so out of touch with the world that I still feel lost and alone. I wonder if folks really know that? Do you?
It almost makes me want to cry sometimes, like now. If you only knew how lost and I feel…
So I have been envisioning writing my first good script and seeing it on the big screen. So I got to writing and did it… Finally got it right or as close to it as I thought. My director friend likes it and here we go!!!
Now I am scared and feeling the pressure… This is bigger than anything I think I’ve ever done in my career… Yep, this is bigger…
I know God-Universe will be there next to me all the way and as long as I think Positive I will be okay…
But thinking Positive is hard when there are so many things to think about. ‘
This is short mainly just to vent my frustration…. Okay it’s out… I’m okay!!!
Yep, that the thing to remember, I’m okay!!!
The way I see it if you are over the age of 30 and don’t have emotional baggage you haven’t lived. By that time I had a great job, good friends, a long history of relationships, alcohol, drugs. I had my own place and things that I was involved in. I had a life, not a great one, but I had a life.
So now at 40 I can look back and realize all the things that should have made me a bitter man, yet they didn’t. I think I was high enough or not clear headed enough to know that there was anything wrong. I’m so glad I was that stupid. I could have turned into a really nasty man.
One of the things that happened along the way was my heart turned hard. Even in my last relationship I wasn’t completely open. I kept things in check and never really expressed myself, I wanted him not only to love me but like me. See in past relationships I didn’t feel liked.
So now that after 2 years of being single I am finding myself looking for love again I also want to be liked. The struggle starts when I start to do or say things that will make the other person like me. Even if that means that I feel gross about myself.
I’m gonna enjoy it for a bit longer… The being too cute and sweet. The being so agreeable and pleasant. The being thoughtful and courteous. Until the first time I pass gas by accident or leave a dirty dish in their sink and then we’ll see if I’m still liked.
I’m sure I will but my inner voice tells me I will push away. Ignored and in the end left aside and hurt. That alone should deter me from falling in-love again… I’m very stubborn and I want to get on that ride again. “The Love Ride” that turns your stomach and gives you a head ache… Yeah!!!
I’ll take a season pass to “The Love Ride”…
When you sober up you never really know if, other than you, its going to help anyone else. Where or how is it appropriate to share your story other than in a group setting. Who really cares what you did in your life, other than the fellows in an AA group… Do you?
Then you meet someone who is dealing with a person that is living in their addiction and you start to recognize the person in the conversation. Sounds very familiar, the words, the actions, the reactions. It’s you, well another you, and you think or assume you know exactly how to subdue this person, this you.
Then your stories take on a whole new meaning, your stories make sense, they matter. Because now all those experiences that you went through in your addiction can help someone who is dealing with someone who is living in addiction. You are like a spy.
You are the 007 for drug and alcohol abuse. You can offer an insight that few people have. You feel for the addict and you feel for the other person. Then all those stories, all those lonely nights all those tears and heart breaks. All those shots and hits they are finally worth it!
You are helping, your drug filled, liquor fueled life has some worth. I know it was worth it before, but other addicts will get this… FOR THIS MOMENT IT WAS WORTH IT…. Right? The moment when being an addict makes all the difference in the world and you can actually help someone!!!
God grant me the Serenity…