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Archive for the ‘Self Esteem’ Category

Fear…

It’s easy to keep making excuses why we don’t want to do something. It’s easy to come up with different reasons why we don’t want to something. It’s easy to create stories why we don’t want to something. But the fact is that they are all excuses, reasons, and stories.

The reality of why we don’t is usually quite simple and non-complicated. The reality of why we don’t pursue options, take adventures, just jump usually falls under one answer. Usually can be labeled by one word: FEAR!

Fear can keep us from love. Fear can keep us from relationships. Fear is strong enough to keep us from taking that job we always wanted or going on the vacation we have been dreaming of. Fear is weaker than LOVE but sneakier.

Fear makes moving on, moving forward, and moving past it a hard move. Fear can bring down a person, a home, a country, the world. Fear can corrupt every logical thought with doubt, angst, and sorrow. Fear has that kind of power.

Fear, my friends, can keep you safe, guarded, and secure. Fear is a great body guard and keeper but a horrible counselor or therapist. Fear makes ice cream taste better on a lonely Saturday night and sad movies even sadder.

Fear to conclude this story is the reason I haven’t said I love you. Why I haven’t been open enough. Fear is the reason I pull back and why think I’m really strong. Fear is why ‘This’ is never good enough and I’m always searching for more.

So I’m slowly breaking that relationship, slowly I’m letting go the word. Slowly I’m growing into my own and taking ownership of my world. Slowly I’m standing firm and can only move forward. Slowly, with fear there is no other way!

I’m the Baby…

Hello friends it’s been a while since I’ve been around. I’ve been dedicating my time to video-blogs and podcast, writing other projects that I forgot about coming back here, to where it all started. But so many new things have happened, some good, some great, some not… But be reassured that through it all I have kept my sanity… Well, part of it!

Since we last saw each other I have been through individual therapy and now group sessions. This is where I want to start off and as time goes by I’ll add to the story. I am going to tell you about yesterday’s session, I’m writing on Tuesday and the sessions are on Monday. I can’t tell you who is in the group but my doctor’s name is John Timberlake, awesome man.

So as we were sharing and it came to this woman who was talking about her mom and how she never shows her love, how hard she is and how she feels abandoned and the issues that come with it. It struck a cord because I remember when I used to be really close to my mom and how I miss those moments.

I remember as a kid laying on my mom’s chest, sitting on her lap and I could smell the Pall Mall unfiltered cigarettes and coffee. How I could hear the beat of her heart as I lay there. It was so comfortable and safe and as soon as I felt okay I wanted to run and get away. But now I want to be there again.

I tried so hard for so many years to be a grown-up, to be her equal, to be her friend. I tried to gain the respect of my Dad but showing him how grown up I was. What a big man I had become. Like a kid playing dress-up and putting on dad’s shoes and not being able to take a step never mind walk.

I forgot that my parents have 40 years more experience in life than me and that no matter what I go through I will never catch up. I realized how much energy I have used trying to be a different member of the family and not enjoying who I am. I am the baby brother, the fun uncle, mom and dad’s little boy.

I said it in the group that I had to find my “Inner Jan”, if you remember ‘The Brady Bunch’ show where Jan say’s Marcia-Marcia-Marcia and tries to be different and fit-in in a different place in the family. Not realizing that she is just where she needs to be…. Well, I’m there now!

I’m tired of fighting a never ending battle that I created myself. A war against what was set in place as soon as I was born and can never be undone. I had nothing to do with it but I can claim it as my own. I can be the best little brother I can, the best son I can, the best uncle I can.

Because trying to be anything different has royally sucked. I’ve been horrible at being the oldest or the smartest or anything other than the spot I have within the family. That has nothing to do with my place in the world, I can strive to be all those things outside but within the family I have a place and I should do my best to do that well.

Again, I type this now with tears in my eyes, I would give anything to go back and be a kid. To have fun playing while my sisters watch me, while my mom rocks me in her arms, while my Dad and I watch reruns of “Adam 12” on TV. When I didn’t worry about where the groceries came from or how the food was cooked.

Yes, I’m embracing my spot within the family and I’m going to the best I can to be an uncle, brother and the baby!

Like, Love, and Hate…

At my age and after many years dating and being in relationships I have done and been just about every kind of person. I have been the caregiver, the lover, the high maintenance boy friend, the frugal one. I’ve sat in the back and I’ve been loud in front all in order to please my lover at the time.

Tiring… Yes. It’s tiring just to write and even more to read over but I did it all in the name of love or the closest thing to it. I have morphed and changed all in an effort to not be alone. All in an effort to be part of something and not wake up in bed alone again.

I have loved big dogs, small dogs, I have even shared a bed with some. I have hated cats, disliked birds, babysat children, avoided places with children. Loud restaurants, quiet places, too close to the highway, too close to downtown. The table is too close to the bathroom.

I’ve had my hair short and left it long. Didn’t wear cologne or used scented soaps. No gel in my hair or no hair spray. Wore a cap and a cowboy hat or never wore a hat again. Wore boots to the beach and sandals to the club. Shorts and a tux even all in an effort to fit in.

Spoke just English and even just Spanish, learned Sign Language and tried to learn Italian. Ate strange food I couldn’t pronounce and some that I didn’t want to smell. Some that looked back at me and I think one that even moved. But I tried it so I wouldn’t eat alone.

I slept on the right side of the bed and then on the left. I slept on a futon and on the floor, on a couch. I slept with more than two persons in bed and at some point I slept outside on a camping trip. I slept in a camper, bed of a pick-up truck and an RV, he was a traveling nurse.

I have tried everything to not be alone, done anything to not be alone, and yet today I’m alone. I’m alone writing about why I’m alone and I’m really not any of those things and a lot of those things. I have learned and grown, I have liked, loved, and hated some of those things.

Maybe this time I’m gonna try to find out what I like, love, and hate. I’m gonna give ‘Me’ a chance to decide what he wants and when he finds out what he likes, loves, and hates I’ll meet someone that knows what they like, love, and hate. Then together we can like, love, and hate the same things.

Because in the end I like, love, and hate myself. Sometime apart, sometimes together.

 

I do love Disneyland...

 

Someone To Hug…

There is something about a hug that makes everything feel better and there is a hug and then there is a HUG. You hug a friend, your dog, your pillow. You hug your mom and dad, your brothers and sisters. Hug the aunt you don’t see often and then you hug your grandma.

But when your heart is sad and a tear is lingering in your eye there is only the hug from that special someone that makes it feel all okay. There is the heart that comes with a long passionate kiss that melts the pain away and lets you see the light at the end of the tunnel brighter.

Its the hug from that person that makes a celebration much happier and a birthday wish come true. It makes a promotion seem like the Nobel prize and winning lottery ticket like being assigned to the presidency. Take-out like a gourmet meal prepared by four star chef.

Its that hug that feels your body with warmth and makes your head spin, your knees weak and your toes tingle. Your heart skip a beat and your ears ring. That hug that makes your arms longer, long enough to wrap yourself and that special person two times over.

Its the hug that keeps you from collapsing from pain and holds you up to take on the challenge of the next day. The hug that seems to squeeze all the tears from your body and drains the pain from your soul. The hug that burns when its saying good bye.

The good-bye hug that says I don’t love you anymore or the can we just be friends hug. The I wish I could give you more hug or this just isn’t enough for me hug. The if only you were available hug or if I were single hug. That hug that feels so right and so wrong.

Whichever hug you get sometimes its just nice to be able to have someone to hug.

A Steady Man…

I really became an Oprah fan in the last season more so because I was able to watch the behind the scenes show. How ideas came to be, how the shows came to be, how the woman came to be. For any aspiring host, writer, motivator she is the queen, you have to give her credit for reaching millions of folks, just what I want.

But along with what I learned about putting on a show I learned what to put on as a human. How she handled herself the energy she put out and how it was received by folks. That is what I really want, that is the kind of energy I want to put out. I want to be an Oprah.

I’m guessing there is room for a Male/Hispanic/Oprah… Right?

Well in one of those segments I saw her talk about Steadman, her boyfriend. She said how his name was such a representation of him. Steadman – Steady Man. That got me to thinking about my relationships and what I wanted in my life and I realized I wanted my own Steadman.

Well actually I want to be and have a Steady Man. Someone that I can turn to when I need and that I am comfortable being there for him when he needs me. Someone who feels just as comfortable as I do in sharing our feelings. Someone who doesn’t run when things get serious.

So I will be adding that in my dating profile. I want a Steady Man…

What Has Changed…

I have been playing by the rules for over 4 years now or as close to it as I can. Keeping myself out of trouble, keeping my connection with my Higher Power, calling my Sponsor, a tight support group, changing my behaviors. Everything, or as close to it, as I can and it has kept me Clean & Sober.

I’m not really complaining, well maybe a little, but every once in a while, I want to be wild again. I want to be a little reckless and irresponsible. Forget about everything and everyone and satisfy my need for danger without being concerned for anyone. Like I was born to be wild!!!

Then I look at everything that I have accomplished in the last 4 years and I run back into the hole that I feel I’m in. I sometimes wonder is it love of Recovery or the fear of relapse that keep me in that hole. Either way I feel that I’m missing out on something, despite everything that I have accomplished.

I see my friends living out their lives being open about their sexuality, going to parties, enjoying people. I set limits and standards, I avoid to much socializing, and few people at a time. I don’t think folks would know that about me. From the outside looking in I seem right there with everyone else.

I often wonder, okay I wonder a lot, am I the only one, I’m sure not, that steps out of themselves and looks back in to analyze and review their lives. I see me sitting there on the weekend typing away, writing in my blogs (like now) or watching another show on my DVR or eating.

And I ask Sober Daniel , cause I often have conversations with myself, I ask, “What are you doing?”. And Responsible Daniel answers, “Staying home, being a good boy, waiting for a good person to date.” and Sober Daniel responds to that. “You will never find true love behind a computer you need to get out there… Now get out there!!!”

So we hug, cause in my mind Sober Daniel and Responsible Daniel are very real, we hug and we cry a little, we encourage and support each other, we laugh and we make future plans, we visualize and thank God and the Universe for all the gifts and then we all go back to eating, writing, and watching TV.

Really what changes? What has changed? Don’t be alarmed I’m not letting any of the Daniels relapse, fall off, or get down. We just ask that question a lot in our support group. When all the Daniels come together we ask, “What has changed?”

Just Don’t Know Day…

Just for fun I multiplied my age 40 times 365 days in a year and came up with 14,600 so that’s how many days I’ve been alive, give or take a couple of months. Okay so if I round it out to 41 that is 14,965 days I will be alive on my next birthday. That’s not all I was thinking.

I wondered if I met one person a day that would be 14,965 people.  Then I was looking at my Facebook page and saw that I have 1,944 friends add that up and its 16,909 people . So safe to say that among all those friends there is someone that fills in a void that the other can’t.

Okay, I’ll agree I don’t know them all personally but I probably have at least one degree of separation.  I’m sure one of my friends is really close to Bob Eubanks and one day we’ll meet for coffee and a cookie and talk about the weather and where we are going on vacation next year… We can!

Really what this post is about how folks come into your life for what you think is one reason and the surprise is that that they bring a whole wheel barrel of gifts with them. I met a lady at the grocery store line who has connections that came lift my career to a new level.

I met a guy on-line thinking he was just another pretty face and actually has offered to help me in any way possible. I just wanted a coffee date and he offered more than dessert. Just never know till you tell folks what your are up to. It’s no secret that I want my short film to succeed.

So I’ll put it here in case anyone is interested. I have a short film that I’m raising funds for. For lights, food, equipment. Anything that will make this film better than it could be. I wrote it and am acting in it, so if you know my work this will be a reflection of me.

If you like my writing this short film will follow my style and if you know my life story this will have some of it in it. I cried the last time I read it and I wrote it… So there you go. Today is one of those “You just don’t know” days…

“Just Show Up” – A short film … 

I’m Okay…

So I have been envisioning writing my first good script and seeing it on the big screen. So I got to writing and did it… Finally got it right or as close to it as I thought. My director friend likes it and here we go!!!

Now I am scared and feeling the pressure… This is bigger than anything I think I’ve ever done in my career… Yep, this is bigger…

I know God-Universe will be there next to me all the way and as long as I think Positive I will be okay…

But thinking Positive is hard when there are so many things to think about. ‘

This is short mainly just to vent my frustration…. Okay it’s out… I’m okay!!!

Yep, that the thing to remember, I’m okay!!!

Living My Dream…

There comes a point when your dreams start to come to life. When all that you have worked for, be it a couple of months or a couple of years. A small dream or something to take over the world. Expensive or free a dream is a dream and when it starts to materialize you think you are still dreaming.

Sounds complicated and a little scary but that is where I am now. I feel like I can touch the sky but at the same time like I’m going to fall hard. I want to cry and laugh all at the same time, run and jump or sit and hide… Does that even make sense? Dreams are supposed to be just that… Dreams.

When you have lived most of your life with X’s marking all the bad things that could happen in a person’s life seeing the √ on the good side of the check list seem like a mistake… But it’s not a mistake you deserve and have earned all the good things that are coming your way.

I have earned all the good things that come my way… I am living my dream!!!

The Love Ride…

The way I see it if you are over the age of 30 and don’t have emotional baggage you haven’t lived. By that time I had a great job, good friends, a long history of relationships, alcohol, drugs. I had my own place and things that I was involved in. I had a life, not a great one, but I had a life.

So now at 40 I can look back and realize all the things that should have made me a bitter man, yet they didn’t. I think I was high enough or not clear headed enough to know that there was anything wrong. I’m so glad I was that stupid. I could have turned into a really nasty man.

One of the things that happened along the way was my heart turned hard. Even in my last relationship I wasn’t completely open. I kept things in check and never really expressed myself, I wanted him not only to love me but like me. See in past relationships I didn’t feel liked.

So now that after 2 years of being single I am finding myself looking for love again I also want to be liked. The struggle starts when I start to do or say things that will make the other person like me. Even if that means that I feel gross about myself.

I’m gonna enjoy it for a bit longer… The being too cute and sweet. The being so agreeable and pleasant. The being thoughtful and courteous. Until the first time I pass gas by accident or leave a dirty dish in their sink and then we’ll see if I’m still liked.

I’m sure I will but my inner voice tells me I will push away. Ignored and in the end left aside and hurt. That alone should deter me from falling in-love again… I’m very stubborn and I want to get on that ride again. “The Love Ride” that turns your stomach and gives you a head ache… Yeah!!!

I’ll take a season pass to “The Love Ride”…