Archive for the ‘Spirituality’ Category
I have been playing by the rules for over 4 years now or as close to it as I can. Keeping myself out of trouble, keeping my connection with my Higher Power, calling my Sponsor, a tight support group, changing my behaviors. Everything, or as close to it, as I can and it has kept me Clean & Sober.
I’m not really complaining, well maybe a little, but every once in a while, I want to be wild again. I want to be a little reckless and irresponsible. Forget about everything and everyone and satisfy my need for danger without being concerned for anyone. Like I was born to be wild!!!
Then I look at everything that I have accomplished in the last 4 years and I run back into the hole that I feel I’m in. I sometimes wonder is it love of Recovery or the fear of relapse that keep me in that hole. Either way I feel that I’m missing out on something, despite everything that I have accomplished.
I see my friends living out their lives being open about their sexuality, going to parties, enjoying people. I set limits and standards, I avoid to much socializing, and few people at a time. I don’t think folks would know that about me. From the outside looking in I seem right there with everyone else.
I often wonder, okay I wonder a lot, am I the only one, I’m sure not, that steps out of themselves and looks back in to analyze and review their lives. I see me sitting there on the weekend typing away, writing in my blogs (like now) or watching another show on my DVR or eating.
And I ask Sober Daniel , cause I often have conversations with myself, I ask, “What are you doing?”. And Responsible Daniel answers, “Staying home, being a good boy, waiting for a good person to date.” and Sober Daniel responds to that. “You will never find true love behind a computer you need to get out there… Now get out there!!!”
So we hug, cause in my mind Sober Daniel and Responsible Daniel are very real, we hug and we cry a little, we encourage and support each other, we laugh and we make future plans, we visualize and thank God and the Universe for all the gifts and then we all go back to eating, writing, and watching TV.
Really what changes? What has changed? Don’t be alarmed I’m not letting any of the Daniels relapse, fall off, or get down. We just ask that question a lot in our support group. When all the Daniels come together we ask, “What has changed?”
Okay so this is really not an excuse but more of a fact. I was raised in the 70′s and television was a great babysitter. My parents would take a nap and I would sit and do my homework. To this date my favorite shows are Sid & Kroft shows and The Muppets, I could watch for hours.
I can still do that, sit and watch TV for hours and I still like those shows and competition shows. “Project Runway”, “Top Chef”, “Master Chef” and anything that brings people to compete and live in the same house. GENIUS, there is so much energy and fighting and arguing!!!
There is always one, usually the most aggressive, that will say, “I’m not here to make friends”. Really, you don’t think that at some point you will cross paths with these folks again. You really think that through your whole career you will never need them… Really?
Of course later on in the show they always have an ‘AHA’ moment and they are best buddies with one of them. There are tears and hugs and ‘I’ll call you’. Then we see them at the reunion show and they are back to their cocky, phony, annoying personality.
Well, it got me to think what if I had that attitude about life. ‘I’M NOT HERE TO MAKE FRIENDS” What if I attempted to go through life not counting on anyone or needing anyone or wanting anyone around? Well, probably I would not write because there would no one to read it… Right?
I have said many times, “It takes a village to put me together” and I mean it. I have amazing friends that keep me in check. Even when they don’t realize that they are doing it, they really ground me. I would start a list of names but I’m sure I would miss someone.
Thank you to all my friends because when it comes to the reality show that is my life… I am here to make friends.
When you sober up you never really know if, other than you, its going to help anyone else. Where or how is it appropriate to share your story other than in a group setting. Who really cares what you did in your life, other than the fellows in an AA group… Do you?
Then you meet someone who is dealing with a person that is living in their addiction and you start to recognize the person in the conversation. Sounds very familiar, the words, the actions, the reactions. It’s you, well another you, and you think or assume you know exactly how to subdue this person, this you.
Then your stories take on a whole new meaning, your stories make sense, they matter. Because now all those experiences that you went through in your addiction can help someone who is dealing with someone who is living in addiction. You are like a spy.
You are the 007 for drug and alcohol abuse. You can offer an insight that few people have. You feel for the addict and you feel for the other person. Then all those stories, all those lonely nights all those tears and heart breaks. All those shots and hits they are finally worth it!
You are helping, your drug filled, liquor fueled life has some worth. I know it was worth it before, but other addicts will get this… FOR THIS MOMENT IT WAS WORTH IT…. Right? The moment when being an addict makes all the difference in the world and you can actually help someone!!!
God grant me the Serenity…
Went to the movies with my good friend Eric. We watched “Bridesmaids”. Very funny story and great comedic acting. Really enjoyed it and to top it at the end the group Wilson Phillips came out and sang. It was a wedding scene and they sang “Hold On”. Big 80′s hit!
Why do lock yourself up in these chains?
No one can change your life except for you
It was so easy to do that when I was in my addiction. Lock myself up and expect someone to come and save me. Always looking for a prince charming. Not even realizing that the only one that had the key to escape was me. Luckily there is always God to give a hand.
Don’t you know things can change
Things’ll go your way
If you hold on for one more day
I’m glad I held on and never lost hope and things got better. Just like the videos that are making the rounds but for adults and with a drinking or drug problem. Hold on it gets better. Things are going my way and sometimes it’s scary. Sometimes I think its scarier to come out of the fog than to be in it.
You’ve got no one to blame for your unhappiness
You got yourself into your own mess
Lettin’ your worries pass you by
Don’t you think it’s worth your time
To change your mind?
I finally changed my mind and started fighting for my life. I had to want it more than those around me. Not easy to do when you have felt like a loser all your life. Not easy to see a winner in the mirror when you don’t know what it looks like. Or at least that’s the idea I had.
There was always a winner I just hadn’t acknowledged him. I had to hold on and let the pain carry me to the end, to cross the finish line, to get to the end of the tunnel. Because someday somebody is gonna make me wanna turn around and hold them tight and know that I am loved.
If I hold on, hold on for one more day!!!
I did a reading last night with my Oracle cards. It was long distance and I don’t even know the guy. But it worked out. It took me a while to get my signals right but I was quite on target. Once I talked to my friend who is friends with the guy that I did the reading for he confirmed some of what I saw.
It was pretty wild to get the messages and then I typed them out and it was wild. For a while after I was seeing energies around me and sparks of light. I kinda thought I was going crazy and maybe I am… Maybe even more…
I’ve felt the way things are going to turn out. I don’t know how I feel the things I do just do. Especially with folks if I concentrate on it I can tap into some emotions and I can carry them with me for a bit.
I’m home now after a great dinner with Eric, he is such a great friend.
I had a milkshake, not a good idea at this hour of the night.
That’s all for tonight… Blessings!!!
It’s a new moon tonight and I’ve got all my things ready for a Spiritual cleaning. Although I clear my home with Sage often tonight I get to walk every corner and pray through my home. My Guardian Angels and Spirit Guides walk with me and together we eliminate bad energy.
I got a new mirror for my dinning room today. My neighbor took my an old painting that was hanging there one that I never liked and gave me the mirror. More like a loaner, you see it has belonged to several folks that have lived in my complex. I’m not sure but I think they all passed away and it was passed along.
So if I die blame it on the mirror.
I’m thinking what a day it picked to come into my house. Have you ever wondered if we pick objects or objects pick us? How does a certain item come into our home and everyone that sees it says, “That is so you”. Maybe as we walk along the store the items are looking at us an choosing who to go home with… Huh?
How about an object that has had different owners and has collected all kinds of energy. Is it looking around wondering “Where should I go next?” Then it lands in your home and starts to connect with all the other energy in your home and well… Things can go either way.
I’m excited to see what energy is attached to this mirror. I feel inclined to name it. It’s a male mirror. Very strong and powerful. Like a shadow box with little shelves to hold things. Like a mind holding memories. Harold the Mirror. Sounds like a good solid name.
Well make sure that you do your house cleaning tonight. Get into every corner and every opening in the bathroom and kitchen. Ask for fortune, abundance, love, health, peace, and some nookie if you need it. Ask it to take away pain, anger, resentment, fear, and a dead relationship if you are in one.
Let the New Moon fill your home and your heart and thank you all the objects in your home for choosing you to live with. I’m gonna go clean Harold.