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Archive for the ‘Sex’ Category

Fear…

It’s easy to keep making excuses why we don’t want to do something. It’s easy to come up with different reasons why we don’t want to something. It’s easy to create stories why we don’t want to something. But the fact is that they are all excuses, reasons, and stories.

The reality of why we don’t is usually quite simple and non-complicated. The reality of why we don’t pursue options, take adventures, just jump usually falls under one answer. Usually can be labeled by one word: FEAR!

Fear can keep us from love. Fear can keep us from relationships. Fear is strong enough to keep us from taking that job we always wanted or going on the vacation we have been dreaming of. Fear is weaker than LOVE but sneakier.

Fear makes moving on, moving forward, and moving past it a hard move. Fear can bring down a person, a home, a country, the world. Fear can corrupt every logical thought with doubt, angst, and sorrow. Fear has that kind of power.

Fear, my friends, can keep you safe, guarded, and secure. Fear is a great body guard and keeper but a horrible counselor or therapist. Fear makes ice cream taste better on a lonely Saturday night and sad movies even sadder.

Fear to conclude this story is the reason I haven’t said I love you. Why I haven’t been open enough. Fear is the reason I pull back and why think I’m really strong. Fear is why ‘This’ is never good enough and I’m always searching for more.

So I’m slowly breaking that relationship, slowly I’m letting go the word. Slowly I’m growing into my own and taking ownership of my world. Slowly I’m standing firm and can only move forward. Slowly, with fear there is no other way!

A Piece of Me…

I want to make sure that from the beginning it’s understood that I’m not putting down the dating process. I feel like with every person I meet the possibility of finding an ever lasting relationship gets closer. My romantic side will not die, it may take a beating, but it will not die!

I just feel like not everyone is ready for a person like me. I say “Like Me” because I’m sure there are more guys and girls like me out there… I know there are. We are active, we socialize, we are independent, some may be in Recovery and some may be HIV+.

I’ve met some that give me a run for my money and that I admire for all they do. Some are what I like to call “Bench Warmers”; never really get in the game but are great cheerleaders. Either way we count them as part of the team and encourage them.

So here is where the tougher part of the process comes along, well at least for me. Being Positive is sometimes a negative when it comes to intimacy. It doesn’t help that I know the do’s and don’ts of sex with a Positive person. The other person has to be up to date.

Before I let anyone come into my world I need to know that they know what they are getting into. I didn’t this time and it left me feeling hurt and empty. I don’t forget that I’m Positive, I just shelve it… This last visit reminded me… And it hurt… Like a slap in the face hurt!

So my tip for you folks reading is that HIV+ are sexual, we can have sex. We know how to be safe and take care of our partners. But if you aren’t sure about what you are doing or how to handle the situation don’t go in, don’t sign the contract.

Don’t go to war without a gun.

I will survive this… Just part of being Positive… But it did take a piece of me…

This is the first time I come back and edit an entry. I don’t edit myself often but this time the story didn’t end there…

The person included in this story read it and called me out on my shit… It isn’t always the way we see things. I’ve been told that there is usually your version, my version, and the truth. But my feelings get in the way and I only see what I think I see… You see…

Once we talked and argued and yelled and I almost hung-up. We realized that it just wasn’t meant to be. For more reasons than HIV… There is distance and careers… We both want the same thing but can’t have it with each other.

So if you come back and read this: Thank you for an amazing week, 

Lover.

 

Someone To Hug…

There is something about a hug that makes everything feel better and there is a hug and then there is a HUG. You hug a friend, your dog, your pillow. You hug your mom and dad, your brothers and sisters. Hug the aunt you don’t see often and then you hug your grandma.

But when your heart is sad and a tear is lingering in your eye there is only the hug from that special someone that makes it feel all okay. There is the heart that comes with a long passionate kiss that melts the pain away and lets you see the light at the end of the tunnel brighter.

Its the hug from that person that makes a celebration much happier and a birthday wish come true. It makes a promotion seem like the Nobel prize and winning lottery ticket like being assigned to the presidency. Take-out like a gourmet meal prepared by four star chef.

Its that hug that feels your body with warmth and makes your head spin, your knees weak and your toes tingle. Your heart skip a beat and your ears ring. That hug that makes your arms longer, long enough to wrap yourself and that special person two times over.

Its the hug that keeps you from collapsing from pain and holds you up to take on the challenge of the next day. The hug that seems to squeeze all the tears from your body and drains the pain from your soul. The hug that burns when its saying good bye.

The good-bye hug that says I don’t love you anymore or the can we just be friends hug. The I wish I could give you more hug or this just isn’t enough for me hug. The if only you were available hug or if I were single hug. That hug that feels so right and so wrong.

Whichever hug you get sometimes its just nice to be able to have someone to hug.

30 Years of HIV/AIDS…

HIV/AIDS has been among us, as a known killer, for 30 years. That means I was 10 when it first showed its ugly face. That’s a quarter of my life. That means that anyone born after 1981 was born into a world that had HIV/AIDS as part of its vocabulary. Being Positive is not that uncommon.

So you would think that this generation would have a handle on it. That anyone under 30 would know how to protect themselves. Would have found a cure. Would know how important it is to use a condom. Would know better. That’s all just know better.

But I understand that is probably a lot of responsibility and pressure to put on a whole generation. Why should they be deprived of all the freedom that we had prior to HIV/AIDS? Why should we make them pay for something that started way before they were born?

Because it can still kill you, that’s why! Let those on that are on that journey do the fighting for you. Let those that are in the trenches suffer for you. Let those that have lost the battle be a reminder to you that no one is immune. Let those that are positive keep you negative.

Time for the younger generation to take the baton and fight the war against HIV/AIDS.

Do As Much As I Can…

I have this vision that God has our names on sand clocks. Each one with a different amount of sand. All of them falling and counting down our time on Earth. When all the sand is gone we pass away. Our death may be peaceful and long or dramatic and fast.

For some time now I feel like I’ve run out of sand but somehow no one has noticed. Which of course is silly because God knows everything. Or maybe my Guardian Angel has some pull in Heaven and got me some extra time to do… Well, I don’t know what but do something.

Am I the only one that thinks that? It can be… I know for sure that more than one person in the world has the same idea. Surely you must ponder on how the God, The Universe, Allah, Buddha, or whomever you pray to determines who lives longer and who dies.

Why does this come up as a topic today, well, because I had this urgency to see as many people as I could and make it home in time to beat traffic. I got to see 5 people without thinking. I noticed more folks that I know. Made it past the traffic just before rush hour.

I don’t know what one thing has to do with another, but I just feel like the sand is running  out, if it hasn’t yet and I need to get things done. If something should happen to me at least you know that I am ready. If it turns out that it’s just indigestion, well forget this post.

I just know that 2011 has so much promise, I owe my self the opportunity to do as much as I can!!!

Ignorance Will Not Do…

I had lunch with a friend today, we have been friends almost 2 year now. Since I first met him I have seen him try to help an endless number of kids. By kids I mean 20 – 25 year old guys. We live in Laguna Beach and we get a good number of runaways.

Some are just too comfortable with the lifestyle and only want a handout and move on. Some want company, an ear to hear them out and move on. Some are very happy exchanging sexual favors and move on. Every now and then there was one that really wanted a new life.

So you help the ones that want it and you have to walk away from the ones that don’t. Easier said than done. Why? Because you really want to help everyone and see them succeed. Avoid the mistakes that we made, I’m almost 40 now. I’ve stepped on a lot of dog poo!

Now I’m not judging, I had a rough time and at times liked it rough. Missed out on a lot of information that perhaps could have helped me avoid some of the situations I’ve encountered. I’m not bitching or whining my life is pretty great. I am doing just about everything I want to do.

I just can’t stop thinking that if at the time, when I was in my teens, had the internet and all of the information out there would I be where I am. Okay, Spiritually I know I am where I’m supposed to be and all happens for a reason. Got it. But the human side of me wonders ‘If’…

That said, I didn’t so I fell into situations that got me to where I am now and here I am and life went on. So why are folks still falling pray to situations that they could avoid with just a bit of  research. One word “Google”. All you have to do is look for information and you’ll have it, in seconds!!!

So I do get a little irritated when young folks go to the clinic for an HIV test, worry about dying. Not even considering that you can live a long life with medication. Assume that it’s going to kill them so why take medicine or even get tested. Not even considering their partners… What?!?!

So here goes to all the folks that read this blog, I appreciate it. I also hope that I can pass a little bit of information that you may not know. AIDS kills, it’s manageable, but if you don’t take care of it, it will kill you. If you don’t know and you unprotected sex, you are killing someone.

So find out how to prevent getting infected. How to use a condom. Get tested and know where to go. Meet someone who so they can tell what it’s like to be Positive. You have no excuse to not be informed. You live in a world of instant information at your fingertips. Ignorance will not do!!!