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Archive for the ‘Homosexuality’ Category

A Piece of Me…

I want to make sure that from the beginning it’s understood that I’m not putting down the dating process. I feel like with every person I meet the possibility of finding an ever lasting relationship gets closer. My romantic side will not die, it may take a beating, but it will not die!

I just feel like not everyone is ready for a person like me. I say “Like Me” because I’m sure there are more guys and girls like me out there… I know there are. We are active, we socialize, we are independent, some may be in Recovery and some may be HIV+.

I’ve met some that give me a run for my money and that I admire for all they do. Some are what I like to call “Bench Warmers”; never really get in the game but are great cheerleaders. Either way we count them as part of the team and encourage them.

So here is where the tougher part of the process comes along, well at least for me. Being Positive is sometimes a negative when it comes to intimacy. It doesn’t help that I know the do’s and don’ts of sex with a Positive person. The other person has to be up to date.

Before I let anyone come into my world I need to know that they know what they are getting into. I didn’t this time and it left me feeling hurt and empty. I don’t forget that I’m Positive, I just shelve it… This last visit reminded me… And it hurt… Like a slap in the face hurt!

So my tip for you folks reading is that HIV+ are sexual, we can have sex. We know how to be safe and take care of our partners. But if you aren’t sure about what you are doing or how to handle the situation don’t go in, don’t sign the contract.

Don’t go to war without a gun.

I will survive this… Just part of being Positive… But it did take a piece of me…

This is the first time I come back and edit an entry. I don’t edit myself often but this time the story didn’t end there…

The person included in this story read it and called me out on my shit… It isn’t always the way we see things. I’ve been told that there is usually your version, my version, and the truth. But my feelings get in the way and I only see what I think I see… You see…

Once we talked and argued and yelled and I almost hung-up. We realized that it just wasn’t meant to be. For more reasons than HIV… There is distance and careers… We both want the same thing but can’t have it with each other.

So if you come back and read this: Thank you for an amazing week, 

Lover.

 

One Week Vacation Romance…

The great thing of being on vacation is that you get to be someone different for a bit. Even if you are visiting old friends or family there is always a chance to reinvent yourself. On this particular trip I get to be a writer.

Not too famous just enough to show my friends that I’m moving up in the world. Don’t brag about anything published unless I had a magazine copy ready to give out, and I usually did. No book in the works but I’m considering the idea.

There is also the chance to find romance, the wild wind kind, where you meet fall madly in love and then you disappear. I’ve always wanted to say, “Here’s looking at you, babe”. I didn’t get to but it would have been a great ending.

If you have been following my blogs for the last year you are aware of the fact that I have been looking for love through the dating sites and I have been very forward in reaching out to folks. Been on several dates and even repeated some.

This time I was approached by someone that I found interesting too. Looks, attitude, voice, walk, goals, dreams… everything! Okay so he smoked and had a dog, can’t get it all right now can we (some folks know that I’m not a big pet person).

This was a one week romance we met on Saturday for dinner, which turned out to be popcorn and a movie on his bed.  A long conversations about life and the meaning of, about dreams and goals and how to make them reality and a kiss here and there.

Everything was great, I skipped out on some folks to keep his company, if you are reading this and I skipped out on you now you know why. Insert “I’ll come visit you more and you can visit me” conversation, needed in every long distance romance.

Everything sounding too good to believe, yep it was. Then came the last night and it would be that part of the movie where everything reaches a climax and one person ends up not getting on the bus or the other buys a ticket gets on the bus with no luggage ready for a great adventure.

Hold the tissues that didn’t happen. What happened was not on my script, I didn’t get the memo it was more of a tragedy. There were harsh words and some accusations I chucked them up to the tension of leaving.

There were “you don’t love me and I really love you”. There was even or at least in my head a Whitney Houston song playing in the background. A couple of tears shared that will forever remain on the seat of a Greyhound bus.

There was a song playing on the background that over the course of the week became our song. But the real end came when I was deleted from Facebook… What??? Oh no you didn’t… I was deleted!!! So there ends the one week vacation romance.

Like, Love, and Hate…

At my age and after many years dating and being in relationships I have done and been just about every kind of person. I have been the caregiver, the lover, the high maintenance boy friend, the frugal one. I’ve sat in the back and I’ve been loud in front all in order to please my lover at the time.

Tiring… Yes. It’s tiring just to write and even more to read over but I did it all in the name of love or the closest thing to it. I have morphed and changed all in an effort to not be alone. All in an effort to be part of something and not wake up in bed alone again.

I have loved big dogs, small dogs, I have even shared a bed with some. I have hated cats, disliked birds, babysat children, avoided places with children. Loud restaurants, quiet places, too close to the highway, too close to downtown. The table is too close to the bathroom.

I’ve had my hair short and left it long. Didn’t wear cologne or used scented soaps. No gel in my hair or no hair spray. Wore a cap and a cowboy hat or never wore a hat again. Wore boots to the beach and sandals to the club. Shorts and a tux even all in an effort to fit in.

Spoke just English and even just Spanish, learned Sign Language and tried to learn Italian. Ate strange food I couldn’t pronounce and some that I didn’t want to smell. Some that looked back at me and I think one that even moved. But I tried it so I wouldn’t eat alone.

I slept on the right side of the bed and then on the left. I slept on a futon and on the floor, on a couch. I slept with more than two persons in bed and at some point I slept outside on a camping trip. I slept in a camper, bed of a pick-up truck and an RV, he was a traveling nurse.

I have tried everything to not be alone, done anything to not be alone, and yet today I’m alone. I’m alone writing about why I’m alone and I’m really not any of those things and a lot of those things. I have learned and grown, I have liked, loved, and hated some of those things.

Maybe this time I’m gonna try to find out what I like, love, and hate. I’m gonna give ‘Me’ a chance to decide what he wants and when he finds out what he likes, loves, and hates I’ll meet someone that knows what they like, love, and hate. Then together we can like, love, and hate the same things.

Because in the end I like, love, and hate myself. Sometime apart, sometimes together.

 

I do love Disneyland...

 

A Game of Survival…

It’s no secret that I have resorted to on-line dating. I don’t drink, I don’t like bars, I don’t go out much. Really, is there really any surprise that I posted my photo on at least a half dozen websites. Okay, now there are only 2 and the picking has gotten slimmer but I’m still trying.

There have been some really good dates; movies, dinners, Disney, lunches, walks on the beach, carnivals. All the things that I really enjoy. Some very nice first date kisses and some awesome conversations. But they haven’t all been great there were those frogs that were just toads!

Okay so some just were messages back and forth. Some were E-mails for a couple of days. Some were great late night conversations. Even a Skype session, that ended when my gentleman caller wanted to get a little freaky on the screen. Thank you “Hang Up” button!

Some never came back after the first date or even called back. Some I really didn’t want to hear from. Some I was upset that they didn’t come back for seconds. Some dates peaked too soon. Some never ever got to simmer. So you get the idea that there have been several “First Date”… You are correct!

The fault could be mine I tend to be very forward about what I want. I could talk a lot about what I’m really passionate about. Or my favorite subject, according to my friends… ME. Hey, when you have been through as much as I have there is a lot to share.

Maybe its the numerous loops that they have to jump through. Well, not just loops. Loops with fire, and glass on the floor, with a tiger in one end and snakes on the other. Then when they cross that they have to swim in a pool with sharks and alligators.

Get to the end and answer a 20 question survey, followed by an oral quiz. Just when you think you are done. You have to listen to one of my long stories and pay attention cause there will be a test afterwards. Sounds a little much? It is… I know… I claim it!

But don’t we all deserve the best partner possible? I just want what I deserve and that’s the scariest part of it all. What if I deserve is not the best but somewhere  in the middle. Like a partner out of the clearance bin at Wal-Mart? What if I have been so horrible in my life that mediocre is the best I get?

So dating is not just for fun its a game of survival!!!

The Love Ride…

The way I see it if you are over the age of 30 and don’t have emotional baggage you haven’t lived. By that time I had a great job, good friends, a long history of relationships, alcohol, drugs. I had my own place and things that I was involved in. I had a life, not a great one, but I had a life.

So now at 40 I can look back and realize all the things that should have made me a bitter man, yet they didn’t. I think I was high enough or not clear headed enough to know that there was anything wrong. I’m so glad I was that stupid. I could have turned into a really nasty man.

One of the things that happened along the way was my heart turned hard. Even in my last relationship I wasn’t completely open. I kept things in check and never really expressed myself, I wanted him not only to love me but like me. See in past relationships I didn’t feel liked.

So now that after 2 years of being single I am finding myself looking for love again I also want to be liked. The struggle starts when I start to do or say things that will make the other person like me. Even if that means that I feel gross about myself.

I’m gonna enjoy it for a bit longer… The being too cute and sweet. The being so agreeable and pleasant. The being thoughtful and courteous. Until the first time I pass gas by accident or leave a dirty dish in their sink and then we’ll see if I’m still liked.

I’m sure I will but my inner voice tells me I will push away. Ignored and in the end left aside and hurt. That alone should deter me from falling in-love again… I’m very stubborn and I want to get on that ride again. “The Love Ride” that turns your stomach and gives you a head ache… Yeah!!!

I’ll take a season pass to “The Love Ride”…

Someone To Talk To…

It has been hard being single for so long. There have been guys that have come along that would have made good companions. Some could have been great just not for me. I require lots of attention, I’ve come to understand that. I’m a big boy I can say that without shame.

Even on my days off there is always something going on in my life or maybe I can make the simplest things seem big and exciting. I wouldn’t change that about me or would be with someone that would want me to change that about me. I want someone that can put up with my stories.

So that’s what I miss about being in a relationship, dinner and be conversation. Sitting and talking over dinner. Getting feedback over the day and what decisions will have to be made for the next day. Someone that regardless of how the day will still want to share.

Todays white rice & stir fry was pretty good but became quite bland when there was no one to share it with. I know I shouldn’t need a partner, I should be okay, but sometimes you just need it… right? Conversation is very important when I choose a partner!

I just need someone to talk to…

Hold On For One More Day…

Went to the movies with my good friend Eric. We watched “Bridesmaids”. Very funny story and great comedic acting. Really enjoyed it and to top it at the end the group Wilson Phillips came out and sang. It was a wedding scene and they sang “Hold On”. Big 80’s hit!

Why do lock yourself up in these chains?
No one can change your life except for you

It was so easy to do that when I was in my addiction. Lock myself up and expect someone to come and save me. Always looking for a prince charming. Not even realizing that the only one that had the key to escape was me. Luckily there is always God to give a hand.

Don’t you know things can change
Things’ll go your way
If you hold on for one more day

I’m glad I held on and never lost hope and things got better. Just like the videos that are making the rounds but for adults and with a drinking or drug problem. Hold on it gets better. Things are going my way and sometimes it’s scary. Sometimes I think its scarier to come out of the fog than to be in it.

You’ve got no one to blame for your unhappiness
You got yourself into your own mess
Lettin’ your worries pass you by
Don’t you think it’s worth your time
To change your mind?

I finally changed my mind and started fighting for my life. I had to want it more than those around me. Not easy to do when you have felt like a loser all your life. Not easy to see a winner in the mirror when you don’t know what it looks like. Or at least that’s the idea I had.

There was always a winner I just hadn’t acknowledged him. I had to hold on and let the pain carry me to the end, to cross the finish line, to get to the end of the tunnel. Because someday somebody is gonna make me wanna turn around and hold them tight and know that I am loved.

If  I hold on, hold on for one more day!!!

30 Years of HIV/AIDS…

HIV/AIDS has been among us, as a known killer, for 30 years. That means I was 10 when it first showed its ugly face. That’s a quarter of my life. That means that anyone born after 1981 was born into a world that had HIV/AIDS as part of its vocabulary. Being Positive is not that uncommon.

So you would think that this generation would have a handle on it. That anyone under 30 would know how to protect themselves. Would have found a cure. Would know how important it is to use a condom. Would know better. That’s all just know better.

But I understand that is probably a lot of responsibility and pressure to put on a whole generation. Why should they be deprived of all the freedom that we had prior to HIV/AIDS? Why should we make them pay for something that started way before they were born?

Because it can still kill you, that’s why! Let those on that are on that journey do the fighting for you. Let those that are in the trenches suffer for you. Let those that have lost the battle be a reminder to you that no one is immune. Let those that are positive keep you negative.

Time for the younger generation to take the baton and fight the war against HIV/AIDS.

Luckiest Man In The World…

I know that we have all said that at one point in our lives. Well if you are female you are the luckiest woman in the world but you get my point. Sure sounds more uplifting that saying your the worlds Unluckiest. People sure want to be around you more when things are good.

Today was one of those days when I felt so connected, so in the now, so present, and so very proud to be me. I honestly felt like I have earned this spot in the Universe and that the Universe agreed with me. Does that make sense? Have you stood and said, “I deserve this!!!”

As a young Gay man who wasn’t very good as sports and threw like a girl (no offense to girls that can throw a ball). It was a dream come true to be standing on the mound of Dodger’s stadium and throw that first ball. I was escorted on to the center of the diamond and as I looked around I just about tinkled in my pants!

To see the crowd around cheering and clapping I felt like the most important person in the world. I had arrived. I was telling that little Gay boy inside me that non of it mattered, that things had gotten better. That even if I threw like a girl I was doing something other guys would pay for.

So the twist… I was in a costume!

I was dressed as Tony the Tiger for  a promotion… (insert wild laugh here)… So Tony was getting all the attention but I was there to enjoy it with him. Everyone wanted a photo with Tony and the camera was following me around and there was escorts and special trucks and a driver!

So while I was looking through the netting in the mask and looking at all the folks in the stands I let the Universe know that I was present in the moment, that I was letting Tony the Tiger have this one. But I want my moment. I want Daniel Garza to have his moment.

I felt like I was doing a drug for the first time and as I felt the bolt of electricity go through my body and feel my veins with that amount of happiness I wanted it again. I want more. I want to feel the roar of the crowd and hear the claps. Claps so loud that they drown out all negative thoughts in my head.

Everyone should have a moment on the mound. Everyone should get a chance to throw that first pitch. Maybe not literally but maybe in a Spiritual way. Step up to your mound and throw the ball. It maybe a negative thought, a fear, a resentment. Just throw it away!

Then sit back and hear the applause of the people, your Guardian Angel, your spirit. Or clap for yourself and then tell me that didn’t feel amazing. Like you can kick ass and no one can stop you. I dare you to not feel like you are… Well… The luckiest man/woman in the world!!!

 

All His Fault…

So I watching “The View”, one of my favorite talk shows. Don’t judge, it gives me just the right amount of news and gossip to keep me going through out the day. Lets just say that on any given day I can tell you who has stepped down from office for a political scandal or who is a bigger star because of a scandal.

But there is, sometimes, in the midst of all the gossip and fighting some information that I can really use. Like on today’s episode, December 15, 2010. Jenny McCarthy was the guest and she came and spoke about some baby stuff. I’m on the pill so didn’t pay attention to that.

She also spoke about a woman named Byron Katie who runs this site called “The Work”. She helps you get through whatever is happening in your life. While I’m writing this I have only skimmed through the pages, but so far I’m hooked. I’m gonna keep reading.

Anyway, this is the part that got to me, and Joy Behar has spoken about it before about her divorce. There is a list that Joy and Jenny did, in their own relationship about the Ex. A list where they make a list of the things that the Ex did wrong. Then you change their name for ‘I’.

Then you can fully understand what your responsibility and part in the break-up was. I know sounds crazy because we always want to blame our Ex’s for all that went wrong. Apparently it would make it easier to move on and into another relationship. ARGH!!!

Where was this information 20 years ago when I was breaking up with my first Ex. Maybe it’s time for me to do it, but how do I go back that far along. Can I do it about my last boyfriend and take it from there? I’m just saying can I blame myself for everything I did at 20 years old?

Either way, I’m gonna read the site and see where I can move forward. I need to leave behind this neediness and dependency on a relationship. I have been complete for a long time, don’t need a partner, but would like one. Kinda like a new pair of jeans.

But why do I have to take the blame for the break-up? I can blame it on my Ex, It’s all his fault!!!