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Archive for the ‘Family’ Category

Fear…

It’s easy to keep making excuses why we don’t want to do something. It’s easy to come up with different reasons why we don’t want to something. It’s easy to create stories why we don’t want to something. But the fact is that they are all excuses, reasons, and stories.

The reality of why we don’t is usually quite simple and non-complicated. The reality of why we don’t pursue options, take adventures, just jump usually falls under one answer. Usually can be labeled by one word: FEAR!

Fear can keep us from love. Fear can keep us from relationships. Fear is strong enough to keep us from taking that job we always wanted or going on the vacation we have been dreaming of. Fear is weaker than LOVE but sneakier.

Fear makes moving on, moving forward, and moving past it a hard move. Fear can bring down a person, a home, a country, the world. Fear can corrupt every logical thought with doubt, angst, and sorrow. Fear has that kind of power.

Fear, my friends, can keep you safe, guarded, and secure. Fear is a great body guard and keeper but a horrible counselor or therapist. Fear makes ice cream taste better on a lonely Saturday night and sad movies even sadder.

Fear to conclude this story is the reason I haven’t said I love you. Why I haven’t been open enough. Fear is the reason I pull back and why think I’m really strong. Fear is why ‘This’ is never good enough and I’m always searching for more.

So I’m slowly breaking that relationship, slowly I’m letting go the word. Slowly I’m growing into my own and taking ownership of my world. Slowly I’m standing firm and can only move forward. Slowly, with fear there is no other way!

I’m the Baby…

Hello friends it’s been a while since I’ve been around. I’ve been dedicating my time to video-blogs and podcast, writing other projects that I forgot about coming back here, to where it all started. But so many new things have happened, some good, some great, some not… But be reassured that through it all I have kept my sanity… Well, part of it!

Since we last saw each other I have been through individual therapy and now group sessions. This is where I want to start off and as time goes by I’ll add to the story. I am going to tell you about yesterday’s session, I’m writing on Tuesday and the sessions are on Monday. I can’t tell you who is in the group but my doctor’s name is John Timberlake, awesome man.

So as we were sharing and it came to this woman who was talking about her mom and how she never shows her love, how hard she is and how she feels abandoned and the issues that come with it. It struck a cord because I remember when I used to be really close to my mom and how I miss those moments.

I remember as a kid laying on my mom’s chest, sitting on her lap and I could smell the Pall Mall unfiltered cigarettes and coffee. How I could hear the beat of her heart as I lay there. It was so comfortable and safe and as soon as I felt okay I wanted to run and get away. But now I want to be there again.

I tried so hard for so many years to be a grown-up, to be her equal, to be her friend. I tried to gain the respect of my Dad but showing him how grown up I was. What a big man I had become. Like a kid playing dress-up and putting on dad’s shoes and not being able to take a step never mind walk.

I forgot that my parents have 40 years more experience in life than me and that no matter what I go through I will never catch up. I realized how much energy I have used trying to be a different member of the family and not enjoying who I am. I am the baby brother, the fun uncle, mom and dad’s little boy.

I said it in the group that I had to find my “Inner Jan”, if you remember ‘The Brady Bunch’ show where Jan say’s Marcia-Marcia-Marcia and tries to be different and fit-in in a different place in the family. Not realizing that she is just where she needs to be…. Well, I’m there now!

I’m tired of fighting a never ending battle that I created myself. A war against what was set in place as soon as I was born and can never be undone. I had nothing to do with it but I can claim it as my own. I can be the best little brother I can, the best son I can, the best uncle I can.

Because trying to be anything different has royally sucked. I’ve been horrible at being the oldest or the smartest or anything other than the spot I have within the family. That has nothing to do with my place in the world, I can strive to be all those things outside but within the family I have a place and I should do my best to do that well.

Again, I type this now with tears in my eyes, I would give anything to go back and be a kid. To have fun playing while my sisters watch me, while my mom rocks me in her arms, while my Dad and I watch reruns of “Adam 12” on TV. When I didn’t worry about where the groceries came from or how the food was cooked.

Yes, I’m embracing my spot within the family and I’m going to the best I can to be an uncle, brother and the baby!

Vacation Stress…

My trips to see my family usually start the same way; I go on a 2 week long agonizing stress diet. All I do is stress over what’s going to happen and what people are going to say. I stress over the trip, the flight, the whole thing!

I write monologues: because I’m such a psychic and I know exactly what everyone is going to say that I have the whole trip scripted. Everyone should get a copy by the time I get there and be ready to reply to my lines.

I have entrance and exit cues: because I have people that I want to see and have time limits. You can only take some folks for so long and others you want to see as much as you can. Plus they should have their schedule cleared for my visit.

Food; I have favorite foods that you can only enjoy in South Texas and I expect everyone to have kept themselves from those places so that they will want to eat there with as much excitement as I have. Starve for a year if you have to.

If possible get in touch with my friends back home and get updated on the latest inside jokes so that when I make a comment you will laugh at just the right time (please refer to the above paragraph and get your script).

Get caught up on what’s going on in my life so that I don’t have to tell you long stories and bore you with the details. Because if you know me, I remember all the details, you are my Facebook friend you should stay in touch!

Of course this is more of a wish list than actually happens on my trips. Things never turn out exactly the way I want them to. Folks just don’t follow the rules. But I’m glad that they don’t because they always turn out better.

My life is so full of surprises and my family is part of that. They teach me so many new things, they have interesting new things that weren’t there last year, and they treat me like time hasn’t passed, like I never left.

There is something magical in my mother’s eyes, in my father’s voice, in the laughter and the tears. The aroma of my sister’s cooking and the even the soap she washes her sheets in. I swear I even miss the cigarette smell.

But now I can share special moment with my nephews as adults. Now I can tell them about my dreams and goals. Now they don’t want to be cowboys and ballerinas they have real jobs and even children, careers and lives.

So now that the trip home is coming up and I get ready to say good bye I’m glad things didn’t turn out the way I wanted. I’m glad I get surprised cause it makes me excited for next year. I’ll still get stressed before the trip.

 

Someone To Hug…

There is something about a hug that makes everything feel better and there is a hug and then there is a HUG. You hug a friend, your dog, your pillow. You hug your mom and dad, your brothers and sisters. Hug the aunt you don’t see often and then you hug your grandma.

But when your heart is sad and a tear is lingering in your eye there is only the hug from that special someone that makes it feel all okay. There is the heart that comes with a long passionate kiss that melts the pain away and lets you see the light at the end of the tunnel brighter.

Its the hug from that person that makes a celebration much happier and a birthday wish come true. It makes a promotion seem like the Nobel prize and winning lottery ticket like being assigned to the presidency. Take-out like a gourmet meal prepared by four star chef.

Its that hug that feels your body with warmth and makes your head spin, your knees weak and your toes tingle. Your heart skip a beat and your ears ring. That hug that makes your arms longer, long enough to wrap yourself and that special person two times over.

Its the hug that keeps you from collapsing from pain and holds you up to take on the challenge of the next day. The hug that seems to squeeze all the tears from your body and drains the pain from your soul. The hug that burns when its saying good bye.

The good-bye hug that says I don’t love you anymore or the can we just be friends hug. The I wish I could give you more hug or this just isn’t enough for me hug. The if only you were available hug or if I were single hug. That hug that feels so right and so wrong.

Whichever hug you get sometimes its just nice to be able to have someone to hug.

How Lost…

I finally made it to Vegas and the best thing I can say so far is, I like the room. This wasn’t the way I thought my first trip would be, I’m not sure what I thought. I guess maybe with a group of friends where I would get lost and meet some millionaire, fall in love and move to New York.

Maybe with someone special, but then again I am with someone special. My friend Gini is one of the best folks to hang out with. She gets me and we have some great conversations. She is someone that always seems excited to see me and me her. We even like some of the same music and that is really good on a road trip.

I also connected with a cousin I had not seen in a long time, thank you Facebook. She seemed very excited to find me. Gave me her new number and wants me to visit next time I’m back in Houston. That was a surprise since we weren’t ever that close. But I’m always willing to take things at face value.

I wonder why, sometimes, folks seem excited to see me. Don’t they know what a looser I am. How out of touch I can be and how most of the time I don’t know what I’m doing. I am so out of touch with the world that I still feel lost and alone. I wonder if folks really know that? Do you?

It almost makes me want to cry sometimes, like now. If you only knew how lost and I feel…

Pieces of the Puzzle…

I was talking to my sister of all places on Facebook. What is it about chatting on-line, about being anonymous that allows you to ask and answer anything? We had one of the most intimate, honest conversations that we’ve ever had.

I just turned 40 and for the first time I feel like she was talking to me like an adult. Like I was part of the family, not that I ever felt not part but I finally understood my place in the dynamic of our little world. Because isn’t each family a little world?

Just like our planet Earth it revolves around the Sun so does a family revolve around other families. Those families made up of other folks and we all have to work together, we gravitate towards each other, we co-exist.

Our stories intertwine and we lose track of where one ends and the other starts. And suddenly our little world is invaded by others. Sometimes not welcome. We come to a fork in the road, a moment to decide how we are going to react to the new information.

Sometimes the information comes to you and it makes thing fall into place. Kinda like when you buy a puzzle with a picture of a pony and puppies on the box and you start to put it together and it doesn’t look right. Then you realize that there are kittens and rainbows in the puzzle and now it all makes sense.

The puzzle is all of it; puppies, ponies, kittens, and rainbows!!!

 

Grant Me The Serenity…

When you sober up you never really know if, other than you, its going to help anyone else. Where or how is it appropriate to share your story other than in a group setting. Who really cares what you did in your life, other than the fellows in an AA group… Do you?

Then you meet someone who is dealing with a person that is living in their addiction and you start to recognize the person in the conversation. Sounds very familiar, the words, the actions, the reactions. It’s you, well another you, and you think or assume you know exactly how to subdue this person, this you.

Then your stories take on a whole new meaning, your stories make sense, they matter. Because now all those experiences that you went through in your addiction can help someone who is dealing with someone who is living in addiction. You are like a spy.

You are the 007 for drug and alcohol abuse. You can offer an insight that few people have. You feel for the addict and you feel for the other person. Then all those stories, all those lonely nights all those tears and heart breaks. All those shots and hits they are finally worth it!

You are helping, your drug filled, liquor fueled life has some worth. I know it was worth it before, but other addicts will get this… FOR THIS MOMENT IT WAS WORTH IT…. Right? The moment when being an addict makes all the difference in the world and you can actually help someone!!!

God grant me the Serenity…

Hold On For One More Day…

Went to the movies with my good friend Eric. We watched “Bridesmaids”. Very funny story and great comedic acting. Really enjoyed it and to top it at the end the group Wilson Phillips came out and sang. It was a wedding scene and they sang “Hold On”. Big 80’s hit!

Why do lock yourself up in these chains?
No one can change your life except for you

It was so easy to do that when I was in my addiction. Lock myself up and expect someone to come and save me. Always looking for a prince charming. Not even realizing that the only one that had the key to escape was me. Luckily there is always God to give a hand.

Don’t you know things can change
Things’ll go your way
If you hold on for one more day

I’m glad I held on and never lost hope and things got better. Just like the videos that are making the rounds but for adults and with a drinking or drug problem. Hold on it gets better. Things are going my way and sometimes it’s scary. Sometimes I think its scarier to come out of the fog than to be in it.

You’ve got no one to blame for your unhappiness
You got yourself into your own mess
Lettin’ your worries pass you by
Don’t you think it’s worth your time
To change your mind?

I finally changed my mind and started fighting for my life. I had to want it more than those around me. Not easy to do when you have felt like a loser all your life. Not easy to see a winner in the mirror when you don’t know what it looks like. Or at least that’s the idea I had.

There was always a winner I just hadn’t acknowledged him. I had to hold on and let the pain carry me to the end, to cross the finish line, to get to the end of the tunnel. Because someday somebody is gonna make me wanna turn around and hold them tight and know that I am loved.

If  I hold on, hold on for one more day!!!

A Special Someone…

I want to acknowledge my friends. This is dedicated to all those folks in my life that help put me together. You’ve heard that it takes a village to raise a child. I’m that child. I couldn’t have made it this far in life without my friends. Thank God that he is wise and chose the right ones.

Oh but trust me there have been some bad apples in the mix. There are some ‘friends’ that have made this journey harder than it had to be. But I made the decision to stick around and see where it would take me. Or I thought I could save them or change them or… I don’t know what I was thinking!

But now I have friends that fit and fill every aspect of my life. I have a great friend Gini that I can talk about self-empowerment, self-esteem issues. Sexual frustration and relationships. Visualization and projection. She is so about making a better life we can talk for hours, laugh and cry.

Loren, Gini’s husband, is a director and I can talk hours about a project or a scene. He is the perfect person to talk shop with. Such a creative mind and humble. There are so many things that I’ve learned from him that help in my writing and acting.

Eric, is my fun buddy, he is the reason I got my Disney pass. He is just fun to be around. Always has a smart-ass remark to match mine. A song and a smile. Hanging out with him at Disney is so fun especially waiting in line. We seem to always put on a show for the other folks waiting in line.

Then I have friends that fit my Spirituality, Roger and Michelle, she is new in my life. They both understand what it feels to be able to tap into something beyond what you see around you. How our senses and feelings play such an important part of our lives.

Not that I can’t share more than that with each one just each one fits a certain need in my life and I’m grateful for that. I hope I meet some need for them. The only one that is missing is my romantic relationship. I don’t need a partner I want a partner, very different.

Someone that fits into every part of my needs without feeling overwhelmed that he has to fill all of it all the time. What a responsibility for a person, right? Plus there is always the nookie… I am human and need some nookie. But I want and need an equal partner.

You carry me I carry you. You scratch my back I scratch yours. I make dinner you wash dishes. I hold the remote you hold me… Okay so I’m pushing it with that one. (insert roaring laugh here). I guess what I’m trying to say is that I feel very blessed with the folks in my life.

The Universe has put together a wonderful group of friends for me, my adoptive-family. I feel alive around them. Now I want to share them with a very special someone.

Hello Mom…

I wish I knew how to communicate with you now. It seems like a lifetime since I was able to talk to you, yet I still remember the last time we were able to actually talk. I think back now and the signs that you knew you were forgetting things were there. You knew before we all did… Did you?

I wonder if I explained to you what’s going on in my life now if you’d understand. Would you know what my life is like now. Seems like most conversations had “I’m getting along” in there somewhere. Where now I am moving forward everyday. Taking one step at a time, more confident with each one.

I would love you to see how I finally found my voice and people listen. I don’t think that its because I know more than them or I’ve been through more than anyone. I think its because I’ve made peace with my journey, the parts of my life that made me sad and cry are just part of my journey.

I wish you could read what I write. I wish you could brag to your friends about me. I wish you could tell me how proud you are of me. I know you were always proud of all your kids, I want to know that you are proud of what I’m doing now. I’d like to hear it… What I’d give just to hear it.

I’m sure at some point you would think I’m crazy for some of the things I get involved in but the great thing is that I’m sober when I’m doing it, so I guess I’m just crazy… I have to laugh at that because I did some crazy things when I was drinking and those seemed to be normal to everyone.

But your little boy is finally growing up, it took me long enough but I’m finally getting my life in order and God is paving the road for me and I have no more need nor want to adventure through the unpaved path. It took me far away from you at one point and I’m sorry I missed out on so much.

I don’t always understand what purpose there is in keeping me away from you. What is God thinking on this one? But we were away from each other so much as I was growing-up that a part of me got used to it. Honestly, there is not enough independence to make a boy or a man not need him mommy.

So I’ll leave this time letting you know that I love you and I’m sure you’d be very proud of me.

Love you…